heh.. time to update! haven't been online the past few days.. sigh.. this is bad! it's the holidays and before that, i'd resolved to catch up with lectures and study for the THREE tests that i have at the end of the week! but noe what!??!! i've been watching huan zhu ge ge!!! ahhhhhh!! it started with an innocent longing to watch tv.. and no nice programmes on tv to watch.. so i had to turn to vcds.. and well.. vcds ARE addictive.. so.. yeah.. i'll be cheonging like mad, studying tonight! heh..

other than that.. my new car came today! yay! collected it from the workshop.. oh to those who dunno.. my bro and i are sharing a car.. i dunno whether i told all of u or not.. can't remember.. *scratches head* yup.. heee.. so exciting! :)

yup.. have to do my qt tonight and practise my piano!! remind me!!! :)

oh my gosh.. i still feel as if im bobbing up and down in the water! haha.. as u all can guess.. i just got back from canoeing.. heh.. this week's one was more challenging than last week's.. but more fun also.. haha.. last week we did the two-man canoe.. and this week we did the one-man one.. yup.. i've done the two-man one quite alot of times already so i was quite used to it..but whoa.. i've only done the one-man one once in my life.. haha and today was the second one.. and today's canoe was super unstable..

heh.. the course was actually quite fun.. they taught us quite alot of strokes.. brought us around the kallang basin.. which is very large! and scary.. especially when the wind is blowing and the sky is dark.. heh.. that was before lunch.. i was so scared! after lunch.. the sun was up and it was so HOT!! im totally red now.. all the bb boys were laughing at me.. and i have no idea why i became so red..

yupyup.. anyway today.. haha.. we had to do quite alot of capsize.. but the last one was the most fun.. cos they made everyone capsize at the same time! and there was no one on the canoe at all.. so we had to find a way to get back on and empty our canoe.. lots of water.. haha.. it was so fun!! hahahaha.. yup..

oh well.. how was church? missed church.. and the 85 gathering.. mark called and said everyone was there.. including bryan and i guess nick too.. sigh.. missed it.. :( oh well.. there'll be another chance.. i hope.. other than that.. my life's been hectic.. cos of sch.. but guess what?? i have 4 days of holiday next wk!!! nus is so kiam siap.. can't even give us one whole week of hols.. : yup.. so from the 20th to 23rd of september, i'll be free!!! :) at least i hope.. and studying for all the tests after that.. arghhhhhhhhh..

hmmm.. haven't blogged in almost a month! im drowning in school.. that's why.. hahahaha.. yep.. i haven't really had time to log on except to download notes.. print out notes.. go on msn.. check mail.. that's abt it.. heh.. oh well.. and im sick today! since last night i've been sneezing.. sore throat.. headache.. and im still recovering from a bad stomachache.. spent most of my time in the toilet just now.. and the pain was.. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.. crazy.. haha.. yeah..

sigh.. this week has been a sad week so far.. aunty beng choo passed away.. hmm.. though i was never really close to her.. nevertheless, she's been updating so frequently on the church email.. prayer updates and all.. see her around pretty often in church too.. and i've heard so much abt her.. even my pharmacy friends noe her.. cos she used to teach them.. yeah.. and during the funeral, could really see the pain in the eyes of her family members.. thinking of all that just makes me feel so sad.. haiz.. but well, we must thank God that she's free from all the pain.. and in a place that's so much better than here.. yupp..

watching singapore idol now.. so i shall stop here.. today's contestants are not too bad.. heh..

Lord You seem so far away
A million miles or more it feels today
And though I haven't lost my faith
I must confess right now
That it's hard for me to pray
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all that's in my heart

I will sing, I will praise
Even in my darkest hour
Through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing, I will praise
Lift my hands to honour You
Because Your Word is true
I will sing

Lord it's hard for me to see
All the thoughts and plans You have for me
But I will put my trust in You
Knowing that You died to set me free
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all that's in my heart

-I will sing, by Don Moen

hmmm.. ok i shall take bernie's advice and blog.. haha.. i've been busy bidding for my modules the past few days.. wanted to take so many but most of them clashed and those that didn't are very popular.. SIGH.. for instance.. i wanted to try psychology.. but it's super popular.. and there's this module called "understanding emotions during interactive processes" or sth like that.. and it's super popular.. in the end i decided to bid for living with maths or food and health.. yup.. so far everything's been okay.. only thing is that everyone speaks chinese in my faculty.. most people.. haha.. so i've got a language problem! haha.. oh well.. time to practise speaking chinese..

anyway i was on tv today! after the freshmen inauguration ceremony.. i was trying to scoot off as fast as possible to visit yang in hospital.. and then i walked past this reporter whom i thought was talking to the camera man.. little did i know they were actually filming.. haha.. so im on tv! but sheesh.. for the wrong reasons.. :

yupyup.. then when i got home from the hospital, i slept from 3 to 7!! oh man.. i must have been so tired.. and i woke up with a headache.. sigh.. and there's still school tmr.. some talk by a lecturer or sth.. yup.. today's ceremony.. all the deans and masters of hall looked like they just came off the set of harry potter... heh

im thinking of staying in hall next yr.. prince georges park.. the place where they don't bother much abt u.. leave u to do ur own stuff.. no meals provided.. no hall master.. no hall activities.. just me, myself and my laptop! haha.. im gonna pray abt it so pray along with me! :)

hmmm.. it's been a real tiring day.. think i need to learn to love others more.. friends, family and even outsiders.. haiyah.. i wanna watch tv and listen to radio now.. haha.. shall elaborate another time.. :)

haiz.. my dad's poor car.. it's suffered alot under my hands.. hahaha.. let me list the things i did to it since i first started driving.. hmm.. the very night i passed.. i took the car out and knocked into my neighbour's dustbin, almost parked in my living room, gave my bro many heart attacks.. haha.. last week i turned the ignition key the wrong way and the engine gave a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooud screeeeeeeeeeech!! boy.. was my dad pissed.. then today i gave the car it's maiden scratch when i brushed against the wall at a multi-storey carpark today..
 
oh well.. there IS a first time for everything.. i guess me and my mazda got started on the wrong foot.. : anyway my dad's quite resigned to his fate.. so he said he won't repair the car until i've finished scratching it.. (not that im intending to damage it anymore) haha.. but guess who'll have to pay for the repairs.. *scratches head*
 
haha.. but well.. i guess it just means i need more practise.. and i do! and i will! without doing anymore damage to the car i hope.. at least i know my reaction is slow.. turnings too wide.. judgement not too good.. parking practically hopeless.. well well.. lots to improve eh? haha..
other than that.. hmm.. i've been packing my room these days.. it's in a hazardous state though.. cos i've only packed part of it.. yup.. time to get ready for uni..
 

it's so scary.. losing what you have.. and what you treasure.. be it friends.. family.. i dunno.. whatever.. sigh.. dilemma. don't know what to think

i've lost what i used to have.. and i don't want to lose anything more ever again.. :|

heee.. i passed my driving test!!! thank God!! :) was so nervous before that.. and it really looked like there was gonna be a huge thunderstorm.. but God really held back the rain.. in fact throughout my test it wasn't even drizzling.. heh.. Praise God! and my tester wasn't so grumpy after all.. heh.. after the test, i wanted to go up to my "grumpy" instructor to thank him for helping me.. he's the one who taught me the most times out of all the instructors and though at times he was so strict and fierce, he really taught me many things and gave me many tips! yupyup..

other than that.. i guess things have been happening here and there.. been having alot of mixed feelings.. but too tired to blog them down! im so mentally tired but i can't sleep! aaaaaah!! hee.. and i've got to work tmr! oh.. some of the guys came over yday to watch soccer.. eug, nathan, bennett and jon.. the ironic thing was that they stayed up till the match and most of them fell asleep within the first five mins of the match.. hahaha.. my mum commented that they were the most well-behaved bunch who have ever stayed overnight at my house before.. haha..

yup.. next thing to get done is to play for the grade 4 violinist this friday.. go for my medical check up next wk.. and repair my mp3 player!!

these two days have been really eventful.. fun too.. heh.. yesterday after sarah's wedding, went out with jotham and co. haha.. it was marcus' bday.. so we went to suntec to eat.. after that we went to the esplanade.. yup.. to have a drink and listen to oldies music.. my parents were at the oriental hotel so they could fetch me at about 11 plus.. hee.. yup.. jotham and i went out for a walk for awhile.. it was so nice and refreshing.. just staring out into the sea.. i felt abit dizzy.. dunno why.. hahaha.. but i enjoyed just walking around at night.. in a not-so-crowded place.. haha.. and the view! hahahaha.. but anyway.. it was quite an enjoyable night..

today was youth sunday.. and yup.. the youths did a really great job.. and truly, God was glorified.. i felt so happy the youths were serving.. cos it was like we were serving God and also serving the church.. our parents.. our leaders.. everyone in the congregation.. and i do hope everyone was touched in some way or another.. whether youth or parent.. yup.. after that we had family day at west coast.. was quite fun too.. and there was lots of food!

after family day, the fg went to macs to have more food.. thus contributing to the flab in my body.. sigh.. haha.. but it was fun talking to everyone.. and just sitting around.. met peidee and mark and rachie there too.. hmm.. then aunty seok kee and uncle lim eng sent jotham and i back to his house.. they came out to see oscar too.. mozi took him for a walk.. haha.. was quite fun.. yup.. fun..
okok.. actually im quite tired so i shall just stop writing here.. :)
tomorrow im starting work!! ahhH!!

heh.. just came back from driving again.. i've got two more lessons before the actual test.. and i REALLY hope my test route is an easy one.. eek.. the instructor is giving me more and more pressure.. to perform for the test.. he keeps saying i can do it.. just that i have to relax when there are alot of cars around.. blah blah blah.. eek..

anyway.. the past two days were spent in the office doing the bulletin.. heh.. and yeah! we've finished the bulletin! although it didn't turn out as nice as we wanted it to be.. wow.. the effort put in from every single one of the bulletin ppl was tremendous! haha.. yup.. all of you did a great job! :) and i'll remember the times we were complaining.. whining.. singing.. laughing.. hahahaha.. so fun.. :)

yup.. anyway im going back to work in the kindergarten for two weeks.. half day.. cos my colleague went for an operation and has two weeks mc.. yup.. two weeks of more shouting and screaming!

hmmm.. sth's wrong with my contact lenses.. everytime i wear them my left eye gets swollen..

hmmm.. im having lots of mixed feelings again.. haha.. today was a good day.. have been spending time with the people in my mentoring group these few days.. and yup.. today was no different. and i guess just talking and sharing is really good and it encourages me to see everyone growing in one way or another.. :) and i guess that makes me really happy! hee..

yup.. but haiz.. my mp3 player isnt working! have been trying to make it work but to no avail.. :( and i just got an email from someone who is really impt to me.. and i dunno.. i just get the gut feeling that sth's gonna happen.. eek.. scary.. the way things were phrased.. oh no.. :( and yeah.. no.. it's not jotham.. heh..

im back from camp! haha.. well.. it was super fun.. had an enjoyable time.. well.. needed a break anyway.. yup. managed to spend time with ppl.. although i didn't get enough sleep.. :|
hmm.. dunno what else to say but it was fun! hahaha..

anyway after the camp we drove up to malacca in a convoy of 5 cars.. lost each other in a jam.. and met up again after awhile. haha. had a wonderful lunch there and then drove back down to singapore.. by the time we reached home it was about seven plus! eek! so late! haha i was so tired i konked out straight away.

oh well.. that's all for now..

hmmm.. yesterday's driving lesson was quite comic la.. my instructor was this really steady guy.. very relaxed also.. practically sleeping while i was driving and occasionally grunting "turn right, turn left, u-turn".. so everything in the circuit and the road went quite well.. then we got back into the circuit again.. and i was quite pleased.. so i was just sitting back and relaxing when he suddenly tapped on the dashboard.. which means i've to jam brakes.. and i got such a shock i didn't jam on my brakes.. heh.. oh well

well, his reaction was quite funnie.. he said "the last few years in our centre, no one has ever failed on emergency brake.. pls don't break our record" sheeeeeeeesh.. heh.. oh well.. my reaction nowadays is really very slow.. so i'll have to work on that..

anyway.. today's lionel's and melissa's wedding! yup.. so exciting.. the first of the four brothers who is getting married..

haha.. it's been a tiring tiring tiring two weeks for me.. had gb camp which was very tiring.. and been worrying for ppl.. worrying for stuff that's so dear to me.. haiz.. boy im exhausted.. really exhausted.. in all ways..

really need His grace and strength.. aaaaaaaaah...

hmmmm.. im sitting here.. writing this now.. been really busy these few days.. haven't really thought about stuff.. well.. i guess my mood has gotten better.. i guess when im in groups i feel happier.. it's only sometimes when i'm alone that i start feeling it again.. oh well..

i guess i need to remember aunty ruby's words.. pray against bitterness.. and pray against depression.. there were definitely those times when i just sank into depression cos of what was happening.. but truly by God's grace.. He's given me alot of strength.. and desire to salvage the situation.. im sorry if this is sounding vague.. but there's really no way i can say more.. :|

hmmm.. yeah.. just read stuff bernie wrote.. hmm.. bernie!! be strong k? i still remember there were times i didn't feel like taking our dg too.. those years when we were having problems.. i even had thoughts of like handing the dg over to siyan.. but thank God i didn't.. if not i wouldn't have been able to see you wonderful gals thru! press on gal.. keep praying for them no matter how down you feel.. if you need anyone to help you or guide you i will try as much as i can! :)

as for the rest of the group.. im really sorry if i've been neglecting you guys.. esp mozi and grace!! ahhh!! haven't been able to talk to mozi and grace!! okay.. im hoping to spend more time with the three of you during church camp.. bernie, mozi and yiling.. heeee.. yupyup and my two imps amandie and rachie.. haha.. and carol!!

Colossians 3:13-14
" Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. "

today, i understood the true meaning of forgiveness, just have to put it into practise now. well.. i've been through a pretty rough time over the past two days.. hmm.. can't really share much to anyone at this point of time cos the whole situation's very sensitive.. yup.. i just thank God for jotham and aunty ruby.. who've really been supporting me thru everything.. and given me really good advice..

now i really appreciate the grace of God.. and how He can forgive us no matter how wretched we are.. i need to learn true forgiveness.. and that, for me is really difficult. this time, i cannot just say with my mouth that i forgive.. but i must really be convicted in my heart..

i guess i really need to trust God now.. and let Him bear all my burdens..

on a lighter note.. yes.. i went to sentosa with the sec4 gals on wednesday.. it was really fun.. and im as red as a lobster now. :)

To: you

perhaps u'll never see this.. perhaps one day you'll chance upon it.. i hope you will though so you will understand how i feel..

you have been someone i respected since i was young.. someone who taught me how to live.. someone i dearly loved and respected.. just someone really important in my life..

i dunno what got into you.. i dunno how things have turned out this way.. but you need to know how much hurt you've brought to my life.. how many nights i've spent crying.. how restricted i've been just to protect you.. and to protect the rest of us.. you have no idea how much trust i lost in you and how much it hurts.. at this point in time i really have no idea how things are gonna turn out.. and i feel really lost.. becoz of you..

i'm torn between hate and love.. i still love you because of everything you've done the past years..your love for me, your love for all of us.. but i hate you because of what you did. i hate you for causing so much hurt and pain and anger in my life, and in time, others..

help me, God..

arts or pharmacy.. arts or pharmacy.. arts or pharmacy..
at one point i've been more on the "pharmacy" side.. at another.. it's "arts"........
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! HELP!!!!

haiz.. been experiencing many emotions within a short span of a few days.. no wonder i'm so tired.. heh.. in my heart i really wish for many things.. like.. i dunno.. specific direction in my life? hehz
i've felt hurt, angry, excited, disappointed, fear, hope.. so many different kinds of emotions.. fear when i thought i lost 100 bucks during the school fees collection.. excitement when i got accepted into NUS.. indecisiveness when i couldn't and still cannot decide between the two courses which i'm offered.. frustration when i found i couldn't talk to anyone my age.. no one's really interested in giving me advice.. most are just interested in my final decision.. and the worse thing is.. jotham is away on exercise!!! argh!!!
yeah.. i guess it made me think of the lack of this support group or even a close group of friends that i really long to have.. and it made me feel real sad.. i found that there was no one i could talk to.. or actually wanted to talk to.. no one i could confide in especially since he was away.. no one i could share my fears and hopes with.. no one to give me advice on where i should go... haiz.. oh well.. anyway my sec4 girls! i'm not saying i can't share with u, but yeah.. really need some peers or older ones to give me advice on where to go and stuff.. yupyup!
and yeah! i guess i should also thank God for my sec4 gals! heh.. who i'm able to share with.. just not as much recently cos of their exams!
talking abt my mentoring group.. i've been thinking abt splitting them into two.. and doing the same thing that the j2 gals are doing.. cos the group is getting kinda big and it's really hard to us to share deeply in such a biiiiiiiiig group.. still thinking.. and haven't been praying but i should get down to doing so!! yupyup
two weeks left to working in the kindergarten.. these two months have passed by so fast.. i'm really really gonna miss these kids.. though they raise my blood pressure level at times and cause me huge amounts of stress, i'm just gonna miss every single one of them.. of course some more than others.. especially those naughty ones and the ones i've had to pay more attention to..
these few days i'm just taking many photos to remember this phase in my life.. i dunno if i'll ever be back there again.. but i'll really miss this place.. *sigh* hopefully i can come back to relief at least once a year during my years in uni..
hmm.. anyway.. talking abt uni.. haiz.. i got accepted into arts and pharmacy.. and i have to pick one.. really have to thank God.. but now i really dunno which course i should take.. should i go straight and study arts, or should i go do pharmacy first? guess in pharmacy there are lots of job prospects.. but is that what i really want to do? i dunno.. someone tell me!!!! i have to send in the reply soon!!
today i tried asking a few ppl.. and i dunno if i came across as like "bragging" to them that i got into uni.. cos they never really replied me.. but hey.. i really really need some advice!! aaaaaaaaaah!!