oh man.. im leaving tonight!!! gonna miss everyone!!!!!!! :(
but looking forward to spain.. haha..

sigh.. it feels horrible when u're feeling really bad inside but u still have to keep that smile on ur face..

haha.. i just finished the most mentally draining paper of my life.. oh boy.. towards the end i was just thinking "hurry up just let it end" even though i hadn't really finished doing a few parts of a question.. haha.. and now my brain feels like it needs a break.. oh boy.. but thank God He's brought me through.. especially through this paper.. my weakest module.. i was so nervous but during the exam He gave me peace.. despite me not putting in 100%.. as always He's been so gracious.. so whatever result i get for this.. im just gonna thank God.. whether i pass or fail..

sigh.. other than that.. my life has been.. tiring.. emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually.. guess things are not really going well everywhere i go.. and so many things have been stressing me out.. i don't really know when this is gonna end.. but i know if it keeps continuing im gonna suffer from a nervous breakdown.. argh!! i need a break!!

argh.. going mad.. i need a morale boost..
this feeling is the worst i've ever felt in all the exams i've taken!! argh!!!!

haha i just have to blog abt this! just went to east coast park.. alone.. just me, myself and God.. haha.. went there to cycle.. and after awhile.. i sat by the seaside and just looked out into the sea.. besides those ugly looking ships and carriers, the view was pretty good.. especially since the weather in the morning was so good!

there were fluffy white clouds and blue skies.. and the sun! yeah! i just sat there, admiring the scenery and the waves.. and felt really at peace.. haven't felt this way in a long time! i sang songs.. prayed.. and just stared out into the vast ocean.. if only there weren't those ships.. ergh!
after that i went to bedok jetty.. and stared out into the open again.. watched a few planes land, the rays of sun falling on the water.. and saw a few fish in the water too.. sigh.. the view was just breahtaking! haha.. i wanna do this again! and again! and again!

sigh.. so many things have been crossing my mind lately.. and i've been feeling moody too.. maybe that's why i fell sick.. haha but today's trip to east coast really helped!

hahaha.. today was such a fun day.. went for ktv with my pharm friends.. can u believe it? hahahaha.. i sang chinese songs! my goodness.. haha.. anyway after that we went for dinner.. then went to play abit more.. haha.. so fun!! heee.. i think im starting to get closer to pharm ppl.. heeeeeee..

haha.. back after not blogging for sooooooo long.. the past week has been the most hectic so far! : i had two tests on the same day.. physical pharm and physio.. super shiong.. and i had a project and 7 disgusting lab reports to hand in! sigh.. thus, i have been really busy!

anyway wanted to blog abt church today.. service today was really good.. and really refreshing.. lethal combination of uncle lim eng and uncle eng wah.. heh.. uncle lim eng is a really good worship leader.. and uncle eng wah.. needless to say a good speaker.. some things he said really impressed on my heart today.. more than ever.. where he spoke on Psalm 24.. and really brought me back in awe of God.. indeed the earth is the Lord's and everything in it.. and who may climb the mountain of the Lord? He who has clean hands and a pure heart.. after listening to today's sermon, i was even more convicted to be obedient to God.. i know it won't be easy cos the devil will always be whispering negative stuff into my ear.. like recently.. when i thought abt the salvation of my unsaved dad and pharm friends and jc classmates.. i would blame myself for not having the courage to speak up and ask them to church or something.. it's really so difficult to.. but all the more i have to try.. :s by God's grace, i'll be able to muster up some courage soon!

yup.. other than that.. this week i've a rather relaxing week.. no morning lessons at all.. but i've to use my time wisely to study for my test on sat! anatomy.. haha.. sigh.. so many things to remember.. :

oh and guess what? something really horrible happened today.. i was driving my grandparents home.. then i almost drove off with my grandfather halfway into the car! eek!! if my bro didn't start shouting i wouldn't have known.. :s sigh.. so careless of me!!

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out of my window
Dreaming of a could be
And if i end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray (I would pray)
I could breakaway

Chorus:
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around wild indoors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson

hmm.. sth not so funny happened to me on monday.. (although alot of ppl think it's funny) :. i was supposed to go to mozi's house before badminton after school to have dinner.. and so i drove there.. and parked there.. and then i went up.. went to do some work.. after awhile.. i realised my handphone was still in the car.. so i went back to the car to get it. LO AND BEHOLD!! i saw this slip of paper with the police logo on it.. saying i was fined cos i parked along the continuous white line.. argh!! my first instinct was like oh my gosh im so dead.. my dad's gonna murder me.. haiz.. from what i heard the fine was 70 bucks.. eek. i hope they don't give demerit points too..

anyway, when i was leaving at 1o o clock at night.. i was driving down sixth ave.. then the lights turned amber and then red just as i passed the stop line.. hmm.. it's quite a split second kinda thing.. dunno whether there was red-light camera there or not, but i most certainly hope NOT cos that one will really cost me 12 demerit points and a fine of 200.. so im really really really praying.. eek.. drove past that traffic light again today and took a closer look.. most likely there isn't a camera there.. *phew* my dad says our car is gonna be famous soon.. first my bro forgot to slot in the cash card and went past the erp gantry.. then this.. sigh. careless careless..

oh well.. i have to study for a prac test tmr.. and do my tutorial! haha.. have been staying up late the past few nights.. doing my project and talking to my pharmacy friends online.. haha.. yupyup. and yay! newblog skin that looks like fifi.. btw.. fifi is sick.. :( his leg has been giving him so much problem! sigh..

heh.. i'm back after a long time of not blogging.. haha.. as usual. anyway i just came home.. sent the car for servicing after my morning lesson.. then pumped petrol.. spent lots of money on both activities.. yup..

hmmm.. these few days i've been recuperating from the tests last week.. and yeah.. im having menstrual cramps now! oh well.. oh i passed the test which i thought i was gonna fail! haha.. got 24/4o. was at the bottom of the class but i told myself that as long as i pass, i'll be happy! for the other test on sat.. i did okay.. 72/100.. but as usual.. everyone in class did super well.. haha.. the average was like 80+!! haha.. pharmacy ppl are smart and hardworking!! eek! i better work hard too! Oh.. and the top student in pharmacy is quite a strong christian.. from what she writes in the forum.. heee.. praise God!

yeah.. on a more reflective note.. like yiling wrote, i've been thinking abt God's grace too.. and His love for us.. and the past few days.. i've been thinking of how sinful i am.. and how i've really trivialised the hellishness of sin in some things that i do.. how unworthy i am of His grace.. and yeah.. been praying abt it.. i really want to change the way i see sin.. the way i take God's forgiveness for granted.. i must have incurred God's wrath sooooo many times! haha.. i'm sure we all have.. and as i read Psalm 51 yesterday.. yeah.. i realised it was a prayer i wanted to make to God..

Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your unfailing love,
according to Your compassion, blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions and my sin is always before me.
Against You, You only, have I sined and done what is evil in Your sight,
so that You are proved right when You speak and justified when You judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Surely You desire truth in the inner parts, You teach me wisdom in the inmost place.
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones You have crushed rejoice.
Hide Your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from Your presence or take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Then i will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners will turn back to You.
Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of Your
righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips and my mouth will declare Your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart
O God, You will not despise.

heh.. time to update! haven't been online the past few days.. sigh.. this is bad! it's the holidays and before that, i'd resolved to catch up with lectures and study for the THREE tests that i have at the end of the week! but noe what!??!! i've been watching huan zhu ge ge!!! ahhhhhh!! it started with an innocent longing to watch tv.. and no nice programmes on tv to watch.. so i had to turn to vcds.. and well.. vcds ARE addictive.. so.. yeah.. i'll be cheonging like mad, studying tonight! heh..

other than that.. my new car came today! yay! collected it from the workshop.. oh to those who dunno.. my bro and i are sharing a car.. i dunno whether i told all of u or not.. can't remember.. *scratches head* yup.. heee.. so exciting! :)

yup.. have to do my qt tonight and practise my piano!! remind me!!! :)

oh my gosh.. i still feel as if im bobbing up and down in the water! haha.. as u all can guess.. i just got back from canoeing.. heh.. this week's one was more challenging than last week's.. but more fun also.. haha.. last week we did the two-man canoe.. and this week we did the one-man one.. yup.. i've done the two-man one quite alot of times already so i was quite used to it..but whoa.. i've only done the one-man one once in my life.. haha and today was the second one.. and today's canoe was super unstable..

heh.. the course was actually quite fun.. they taught us quite alot of strokes.. brought us around the kallang basin.. which is very large! and scary.. especially when the wind is blowing and the sky is dark.. heh.. that was before lunch.. i was so scared! after lunch.. the sun was up and it was so HOT!! im totally red now.. all the bb boys were laughing at me.. and i have no idea why i became so red..

yupyup.. anyway today.. haha.. we had to do quite alot of capsize.. but the last one was the most fun.. cos they made everyone capsize at the same time! and there was no one on the canoe at all.. so we had to find a way to get back on and empty our canoe.. lots of water.. haha.. it was so fun!! hahahaha.. yup..

oh well.. how was church? missed church.. and the 85 gathering.. mark called and said everyone was there.. including bryan and i guess nick too.. sigh.. missed it.. :( oh well.. there'll be another chance.. i hope.. other than that.. my life's been hectic.. cos of sch.. but guess what?? i have 4 days of holiday next wk!!! nus is so kiam siap.. can't even give us one whole week of hols.. : yup.. so from the 20th to 23rd of september, i'll be free!!! :) at least i hope.. and studying for all the tests after that.. arghhhhhhhhh..

hmmm.. haven't blogged in almost a month! im drowning in school.. that's why.. hahahaha.. yep.. i haven't really had time to log on except to download notes.. print out notes.. go on msn.. check mail.. that's abt it.. heh.. oh well.. and im sick today! since last night i've been sneezing.. sore throat.. headache.. and im still recovering from a bad stomachache.. spent most of my time in the toilet just now.. and the pain was.. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.. crazy.. haha.. yeah..

sigh.. this week has been a sad week so far.. aunty beng choo passed away.. hmm.. though i was never really close to her.. nevertheless, she's been updating so frequently on the church email.. prayer updates and all.. see her around pretty often in church too.. and i've heard so much abt her.. even my pharmacy friends noe her.. cos she used to teach them.. yeah.. and during the funeral, could really see the pain in the eyes of her family members.. thinking of all that just makes me feel so sad.. haiz.. but well, we must thank God that she's free from all the pain.. and in a place that's so much better than here.. yupp..

watching singapore idol now.. so i shall stop here.. today's contestants are not too bad.. heh..

Lord You seem so far away
A million miles or more it feels today
And though I haven't lost my faith
I must confess right now
That it's hard for me to pray
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all that's in my heart

I will sing, I will praise
Even in my darkest hour
Through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing, I will praise
Lift my hands to honour You
Because Your Word is true
I will sing

Lord it's hard for me to see
All the thoughts and plans You have for me
But I will put my trust in You
Knowing that You died to set me free
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all that's in my heart

-I will sing, by Don Moen

hmmm.. ok i shall take bernie's advice and blog.. haha.. i've been busy bidding for my modules the past few days.. wanted to take so many but most of them clashed and those that didn't are very popular.. SIGH.. for instance.. i wanted to try psychology.. but it's super popular.. and there's this module called "understanding emotions during interactive processes" or sth like that.. and it's super popular.. in the end i decided to bid for living with maths or food and health.. yup.. so far everything's been okay.. only thing is that everyone speaks chinese in my faculty.. most people.. haha.. so i've got a language problem! haha.. oh well.. time to practise speaking chinese..

anyway i was on tv today! after the freshmen inauguration ceremony.. i was trying to scoot off as fast as possible to visit yang in hospital.. and then i walked past this reporter whom i thought was talking to the camera man.. little did i know they were actually filming.. haha.. so im on tv! but sheesh.. for the wrong reasons.. :

yupyup.. then when i got home from the hospital, i slept from 3 to 7!! oh man.. i must have been so tired.. and i woke up with a headache.. sigh.. and there's still school tmr.. some talk by a lecturer or sth.. yup.. today's ceremony.. all the deans and masters of hall looked like they just came off the set of harry potter... heh

im thinking of staying in hall next yr.. prince georges park.. the place where they don't bother much abt u.. leave u to do ur own stuff.. no meals provided.. no hall master.. no hall activities.. just me, myself and my laptop! haha.. im gonna pray abt it so pray along with me! :)

hmmm.. it's been a real tiring day.. think i need to learn to love others more.. friends, family and even outsiders.. haiyah.. i wanna watch tv and listen to radio now.. haha.. shall elaborate another time.. :)

haiz.. my dad's poor car.. it's suffered alot under my hands.. hahaha.. let me list the things i did to it since i first started driving.. hmm.. the very night i passed.. i took the car out and knocked into my neighbour's dustbin, almost parked in my living room, gave my bro many heart attacks.. haha.. last week i turned the ignition key the wrong way and the engine gave a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooud screeeeeeeeeeech!! boy.. was my dad pissed.. then today i gave the car it's maiden scratch when i brushed against the wall at a multi-storey carpark today..
 
oh well.. there IS a first time for everything.. i guess me and my mazda got started on the wrong foot.. : anyway my dad's quite resigned to his fate.. so he said he won't repair the car until i've finished scratching it.. (not that im intending to damage it anymore) haha.. but guess who'll have to pay for the repairs.. *scratches head*
 
haha.. but well.. i guess it just means i need more practise.. and i do! and i will! without doing anymore damage to the car i hope.. at least i know my reaction is slow.. turnings too wide.. judgement not too good.. parking practically hopeless.. well well.. lots to improve eh? haha..
other than that.. hmm.. i've been packing my room these days.. it's in a hazardous state though.. cos i've only packed part of it.. yup.. time to get ready for uni..
 

it's so scary.. losing what you have.. and what you treasure.. be it friends.. family.. i dunno.. whatever.. sigh.. dilemma. don't know what to think

i've lost what i used to have.. and i don't want to lose anything more ever again.. :|

heee.. i passed my driving test!!! thank God!! :) was so nervous before that.. and it really looked like there was gonna be a huge thunderstorm.. but God really held back the rain.. in fact throughout my test it wasn't even drizzling.. heh.. Praise God! and my tester wasn't so grumpy after all.. heh.. after the test, i wanted to go up to my "grumpy" instructor to thank him for helping me.. he's the one who taught me the most times out of all the instructors and though at times he was so strict and fierce, he really taught me many things and gave me many tips! yupyup..

other than that.. i guess things have been happening here and there.. been having alot of mixed feelings.. but too tired to blog them down! im so mentally tired but i can't sleep! aaaaaah!! hee.. and i've got to work tmr! oh.. some of the guys came over yday to watch soccer.. eug, nathan, bennett and jon.. the ironic thing was that they stayed up till the match and most of them fell asleep within the first five mins of the match.. hahaha.. my mum commented that they were the most well-behaved bunch who have ever stayed overnight at my house before.. haha..

yup.. next thing to get done is to play for the grade 4 violinist this friday.. go for my medical check up next wk.. and repair my mp3 player!!

these two days have been really eventful.. fun too.. heh.. yesterday after sarah's wedding, went out with jotham and co. haha.. it was marcus' bday.. so we went to suntec to eat.. after that we went to the esplanade.. yup.. to have a drink and listen to oldies music.. my parents were at the oriental hotel so they could fetch me at about 11 plus.. hee.. yup.. jotham and i went out for a walk for awhile.. it was so nice and refreshing.. just staring out into the sea.. i felt abit dizzy.. dunno why.. hahaha.. but i enjoyed just walking around at night.. in a not-so-crowded place.. haha.. and the view! hahahaha.. but anyway.. it was quite an enjoyable night..

today was youth sunday.. and yup.. the youths did a really great job.. and truly, God was glorified.. i felt so happy the youths were serving.. cos it was like we were serving God and also serving the church.. our parents.. our leaders.. everyone in the congregation.. and i do hope everyone was touched in some way or another.. whether youth or parent.. yup.. after that we had family day at west coast.. was quite fun too.. and there was lots of food!

after family day, the fg went to macs to have more food.. thus contributing to the flab in my body.. sigh.. haha.. but it was fun talking to everyone.. and just sitting around.. met peidee and mark and rachie there too.. hmm.. then aunty seok kee and uncle lim eng sent jotham and i back to his house.. they came out to see oscar too.. mozi took him for a walk.. haha.. was quite fun.. yup.. fun..
okok.. actually im quite tired so i shall just stop writing here.. :)
tomorrow im starting work!! ahhH!!

heh.. just came back from driving again.. i've got two more lessons before the actual test.. and i REALLY hope my test route is an easy one.. eek.. the instructor is giving me more and more pressure.. to perform for the test.. he keeps saying i can do it.. just that i have to relax when there are alot of cars around.. blah blah blah.. eek..

anyway.. the past two days were spent in the office doing the bulletin.. heh.. and yeah! we've finished the bulletin! although it didn't turn out as nice as we wanted it to be.. wow.. the effort put in from every single one of the bulletin ppl was tremendous! haha.. yup.. all of you did a great job! :) and i'll remember the times we were complaining.. whining.. singing.. laughing.. hahahaha.. so fun.. :)

yup.. anyway im going back to work in the kindergarten for two weeks.. half day.. cos my colleague went for an operation and has two weeks mc.. yup.. two weeks of more shouting and screaming!

hmmm.. sth's wrong with my contact lenses.. everytime i wear them my left eye gets swollen..

hmmm.. im having lots of mixed feelings again.. haha.. today was a good day.. have been spending time with the people in my mentoring group these few days.. and yup.. today was no different. and i guess just talking and sharing is really good and it encourages me to see everyone growing in one way or another.. :) and i guess that makes me really happy! hee..

yup.. but haiz.. my mp3 player isnt working! have been trying to make it work but to no avail.. :( and i just got an email from someone who is really impt to me.. and i dunno.. i just get the gut feeling that sth's gonna happen.. eek.. scary.. the way things were phrased.. oh no.. :( and yeah.. no.. it's not jotham.. heh..

im back from camp! haha.. well.. it was super fun.. had an enjoyable time.. well.. needed a break anyway.. yup. managed to spend time with ppl.. although i didn't get enough sleep.. :|
hmm.. dunno what else to say but it was fun! hahaha..

anyway after the camp we drove up to malacca in a convoy of 5 cars.. lost each other in a jam.. and met up again after awhile. haha. had a wonderful lunch there and then drove back down to singapore.. by the time we reached home it was about seven plus! eek! so late! haha i was so tired i konked out straight away.

oh well.. that's all for now..

hmmm.. yesterday's driving lesson was quite comic la.. my instructor was this really steady guy.. very relaxed also.. practically sleeping while i was driving and occasionally grunting "turn right, turn left, u-turn".. so everything in the circuit and the road went quite well.. then we got back into the circuit again.. and i was quite pleased.. so i was just sitting back and relaxing when he suddenly tapped on the dashboard.. which means i've to jam brakes.. and i got such a shock i didn't jam on my brakes.. heh.. oh well

well, his reaction was quite funnie.. he said "the last few years in our centre, no one has ever failed on emergency brake.. pls don't break our record" sheeeeeeeesh.. heh.. oh well.. my reaction nowadays is really very slow.. so i'll have to work on that..

anyway.. today's lionel's and melissa's wedding! yup.. so exciting.. the first of the four brothers who is getting married..

haha.. it's been a tiring tiring tiring two weeks for me.. had gb camp which was very tiring.. and been worrying for ppl.. worrying for stuff that's so dear to me.. haiz.. boy im exhausted.. really exhausted.. in all ways..

really need His grace and strength.. aaaaaaaaah...

hmmmm.. im sitting here.. writing this now.. been really busy these few days.. haven't really thought about stuff.. well.. i guess my mood has gotten better.. i guess when im in groups i feel happier.. it's only sometimes when i'm alone that i start feeling it again.. oh well..

i guess i need to remember aunty ruby's words.. pray against bitterness.. and pray against depression.. there were definitely those times when i just sank into depression cos of what was happening.. but truly by God's grace.. He's given me alot of strength.. and desire to salvage the situation.. im sorry if this is sounding vague.. but there's really no way i can say more.. :|

hmmm.. yeah.. just read stuff bernie wrote.. hmm.. bernie!! be strong k? i still remember there were times i didn't feel like taking our dg too.. those years when we were having problems.. i even had thoughts of like handing the dg over to siyan.. but thank God i didn't.. if not i wouldn't have been able to see you wonderful gals thru! press on gal.. keep praying for them no matter how down you feel.. if you need anyone to help you or guide you i will try as much as i can! :)

as for the rest of the group.. im really sorry if i've been neglecting you guys.. esp mozi and grace!! ahhh!! haven't been able to talk to mozi and grace!! okay.. im hoping to spend more time with the three of you during church camp.. bernie, mozi and yiling.. heeee.. yupyup and my two imps amandie and rachie.. haha.. and carol!!

Colossians 3:13-14
" Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. "

today, i understood the true meaning of forgiveness, just have to put it into practise now. well.. i've been through a pretty rough time over the past two days.. hmm.. can't really share much to anyone at this point of time cos the whole situation's very sensitive.. yup.. i just thank God for jotham and aunty ruby.. who've really been supporting me thru everything.. and given me really good advice..

now i really appreciate the grace of God.. and how He can forgive us no matter how wretched we are.. i need to learn true forgiveness.. and that, for me is really difficult. this time, i cannot just say with my mouth that i forgive.. but i must really be convicted in my heart..

i guess i really need to trust God now.. and let Him bear all my burdens..

on a lighter note.. yes.. i went to sentosa with the sec4 gals on wednesday.. it was really fun.. and im as red as a lobster now. :)

To: you

perhaps u'll never see this.. perhaps one day you'll chance upon it.. i hope you will though so you will understand how i feel..

you have been someone i respected since i was young.. someone who taught me how to live.. someone i dearly loved and respected.. just someone really important in my life..

i dunno what got into you.. i dunno how things have turned out this way.. but you need to know how much hurt you've brought to my life.. how many nights i've spent crying.. how restricted i've been just to protect you.. and to protect the rest of us.. you have no idea how much trust i lost in you and how much it hurts.. at this point in time i really have no idea how things are gonna turn out.. and i feel really lost.. becoz of you..

i'm torn between hate and love.. i still love you because of everything you've done the past years..your love for me, your love for all of us.. but i hate you because of what you did. i hate you for causing so much hurt and pain and anger in my life, and in time, others..

help me, God..

arts or pharmacy.. arts or pharmacy.. arts or pharmacy..
at one point i've been more on the "pharmacy" side.. at another.. it's "arts"........
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! HELP!!!!

haiz.. been experiencing many emotions within a short span of a few days.. no wonder i'm so tired.. heh.. in my heart i really wish for many things.. like.. i dunno.. specific direction in my life? hehz
i've felt hurt, angry, excited, disappointed, fear, hope.. so many different kinds of emotions.. fear when i thought i lost 100 bucks during the school fees collection.. excitement when i got accepted into NUS.. indecisiveness when i couldn't and still cannot decide between the two courses which i'm offered.. frustration when i found i couldn't talk to anyone my age.. no one's really interested in giving me advice.. most are just interested in my final decision.. and the worse thing is.. jotham is away on exercise!!! argh!!!
yeah.. i guess it made me think of the lack of this support group or even a close group of friends that i really long to have.. and it made me feel real sad.. i found that there was no one i could talk to.. or actually wanted to talk to.. no one i could confide in especially since he was away.. no one i could share my fears and hopes with.. no one to give me advice on where i should go... haiz.. oh well.. anyway my sec4 girls! i'm not saying i can't share with u, but yeah.. really need some peers or older ones to give me advice on where to go and stuff.. yupyup!
and yeah! i guess i should also thank God for my sec4 gals! heh.. who i'm able to share with.. just not as much recently cos of their exams!
talking abt my mentoring group.. i've been thinking abt splitting them into two.. and doing the same thing that the j2 gals are doing.. cos the group is getting kinda big and it's really hard to us to share deeply in such a biiiiiiiiig group.. still thinking.. and haven't been praying but i should get down to doing so!! yupyup
two weeks left to working in the kindergarten.. these two months have passed by so fast.. i'm really really gonna miss these kids.. though they raise my blood pressure level at times and cause me huge amounts of stress, i'm just gonna miss every single one of them.. of course some more than others.. especially those naughty ones and the ones i've had to pay more attention to..
these few days i'm just taking many photos to remember this phase in my life.. i dunno if i'll ever be back there again.. but i'll really miss this place.. *sigh* hopefully i can come back to relief at least once a year during my years in uni..
hmm.. anyway.. talking abt uni.. haiz.. i got accepted into arts and pharmacy.. and i have to pick one.. really have to thank God.. but now i really dunno which course i should take.. should i go straight and study arts, or should i go do pharmacy first? guess in pharmacy there are lots of job prospects.. but is that what i really want to do? i dunno.. someone tell me!!!! i have to send in the reply soon!!
today i tried asking a few ppl.. and i dunno if i came across as like "bragging" to them that i got into uni.. cos they never really replied me.. but hey.. i really really need some advice!! aaaaaaaaaah!!

argh.. super pissed.
pissed off with everybody.
period. that's all i'm gonna say.

haha.. haven't blogged in a looooooooong time.. oh well.. i don't blog much nowadays.. :| watching the new chinese show now.. with the jeanette aw and tay ping hui.. haha.. i prefer jeanette aw in holland v though.. the blur kind.. in this show i don't find her that good.. heh
ok.. let's list down stuff that's been happening to me lately.. i managed to book my final theory test on 11th may.. so while all of u out there are having ur exams, i'll be sitting for my FTT too!! haha.. yup.. will have to study for it this time.. during the trial test i didn't noe how to do so many.. eek
hmm.. other than that.. yeah.. been hearing alot of things abt some of the kids at the kindergarten.. abt their parents and the problems they face.. there are even two of them whose parents got involved in a "manslaughter" case kinda thing.. so scary.. must be really tough on the two children.. their mum will come to see them during sch hours only.. and their dad's in jail.. so sad..
and yday there was the nicoll highway incident.. and yday night i heard someone committed suicide at the block opposite my workplace.. so sad.. and knowing that someone jumped just the night before nearby, i also felt a little uneasy.. i dunno. it's just the creeps.. heh..
oh well.. i guess all these really reminds me abt my testimony as a christian.. abt being the salt and light of the world.. i think i haven't been an outstanding testimony at work.. hmm.. i don't do anything wrong or what.. but i have had so many opportunities to share with my colleages, but i just don't have the courage to speak out for Jesus. there were times we shared abt religion.. abt terrorists.. on quite a few different occasions, but so far i've just been listening to their views.. sigh.. i need the courage!!! aaaaaaah!!
heh.. so much for that..
well.. another thing is that i've been rushing from place to place the past few weeks.. i find that i don't have much time to myself.. and when i do, i spend it sleeping.. haha.. like a pig.. oh no. .is this what my future working life is gonna be like? i sure hope not..

hmmm.. im starting to realise that i blog abt an average of once a week.. cos ahhhh!! lack of timee.. haha.. oh well.. anyway this wk was a short week.. most of my classes were in the morning though in the afternoons i still spent my time running after squeamish children.. ;) but i guess i really find my love for the kids growing.. yupyup! and though some are REALLY irritating at times.. well, when i think back and i think of these kids, it just brings a smile to my face.. heh
haha.. besides that.. today i mustered up courage to ask my dad to the good friday service tmr.. and noe what? he told me he had to cut his hair!!argh!!!! then i told him that cutting his hair wouldn't even take much of his time and he could do it after the service and he didn't answer.. :| haiz.. oh well
othen than that.. most issues i've been facing have been getting better or chapters of my life have been closed.. haha.. thats' abt it! im so tired i wanna zzzzzzzzzzzzzz NOW!! bryan's coming to stay over btw.. heh.. cos he's following us to church tmr.. hahaha.. so i'll have to sleep in my own room tonight.. sigh!!

anyway.. oh! did i mention that i slept at 820 on friday and woke up the next day? haha.. amazing.. im quite amazed at my.. abilities.. :)

hmmm.. haven't blogged in a long while.. nowadays i hardly have time to come online, let alone blog.. anyway as im blogging now, i'm watching the new chinese show.. heh.. quite okay i guess.. so far! haha
yup.. lots of things have been happening.. some have left me tired, some hurt, some happy, some sad, some excited.. hahaha.. so many different emotions.. all in one week!
yeah.. i shall just mention some of the happy stuff! haha.. like drill com! yeah!! 54th, 17th and 46th coy got a gold!! ahhhhhh!! so happy for the girls! hehehe.. :> anyway i was so proud of them when i saw them marching! haha
hmm.. some of the sad things were the inability to catch up with the '85 army guys and my classmates.. didn't even get a chance to meet up last wk.. except for that short 1 hour at mark's house.. i just went there to say byebye to him.. haha.. hope he's fine in there..
anyway most of the guys have gotten their postings.. yup.. managed to talk abit to josh yday.. haven't spoken to him in a long time cos i was abit pissed at him.. but oh well.. i shall not go into details.. :| work has been normal.. tiring hahahaha..
oh well.. yup.. that's all for now.. *distracted and looking at the television*

hmm.. i've been in a stressed mood lately.. terribly stressed..
so many things are happening around me and sometimes i just don't noe how to handle them..
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah..

hmm.. it's been quite some time since i last wrote an entry... this week has been an eventful week..
i started my first week of work.. running after a whole bunch of squeamish kindergarten kids.. haha.. but it's quite enjoyable.. and a good experience.. cos i may wanna work as something to do with kids next time.. esp special kids
the kids there are at times lovable.. but can really raise my blood pressure thousand-fold at times also.. :|

there are two rather special children in each session.. one in morning one in afternoon.. the one in the morning session seems to be a world of her own.. but according to the teachers there, she's not autistic.. cos her mum brought her for "testing"... yup.. i get her to come up and do her homework with me.. and yup.. im feeling quite drawn to her.. cos i find that she's really special.. in a sense.. maybe cos i wanna work with such kids next time.. heh.. the rest of the class are as lovable.. but they're sooooo active.. heh

as for the afternoon session, the "special" kid there is HYPER ACTIVE to the MAX!! haha.. i spend half my time calling her and chasing after her.. but she's also really sweet.. and at times.. vain.. :> the girls in the afternoon session are very sweet while the guys are sooooo restless.. i even got a sore throat on wednesday cos i shouted at them too much.. heh :|

all in all, working life IS quite tiring.. but i enjoy what i do.. so i don't mind the lethargy.. at times.. :)

heh.. can't help but blog this down.. it's supposed to be something serious but i can't help feeling amazed and a little amused.. dunno whether this is in the news but there was an armed robbery in JB and it is suspected that the culprits have fled to the island of tekong.of all places...
so anyway.. my friends are all stuck and quarantined inside there and there are lots of police cars there now.. my classmate was cursing and swearing just now.. heh.. cos if the culprits aren't caught those poor ns men won't be able to book out tmr or sat.. oops..
yeah.. and guard duty has to be done in standard battle order.. wow.. amazing.. yeah.. come to think of it.. it IS dangerous.. cos the culprits are armed.. so well.. hope they get caught soon..
anyway my day was quite good.. went to rachie's in the morning to have bio tuition.. we did asexual reproduction today.. i was super drowsy from the cold medicine last night.. so i couldn't concentrate much.. feared lots for my driving later as well..
yup.. after that we headed down to harbourfront for lunch.. and shared a set meal at pastamania.. today those serving us were in a bad mood so we got a small serving..
:( and yup.. we talked abt stuff.. abt life.. talked crap as well.. hee.. what's new anyway? heh..
after that i went for driving.. and yay!! i passed my evaluation for module 1!! so the next time i have a lesson, im going out on the roads! hahaha.. yup.. my instructor is very niao.. he has to have an official evaluation.. this period of time where i can't ask him questions and where i have to make my own decisions.. but anyway thank God i passed.. i was thinking i was never gonna make it past the slope.. :s hahahaha..

sigh.. im in quite a saddened mood now.. just talked to someone who has kinda given up on himself and life.. and it's just so discouraging seeing him in this state.. not wanting to help himself.. i almost cried while talking to him.. had to hold back cos my bro was around.. sigh..

hmmm.. while im typing out another entry.. bernie is hard at work, making amends to my blog.. cos im lousy at template stuff.. so thanks bernie! heee... im template illiterate.. :| yeah.. hmm.. what else has happened the past week.. there was drill camp.. which was overnight.. yday till today.. drill on friday... thursday had piano.. and then after that i stayed at home to study for my piano exam.. oh.. my grade 8 theory.. it was okay i guess.. but very subjective.. i mean if the examiner doen'st like what u compose then that's quite the end of u.. so that's another uncertain thing.. yup
hmmm.. the week ahead is the school holidays! yeah.. so i'll be meeting more ppl and spending more time with them! but not sure if they wanna spend more time with me.. :| haahhahaha and more drill i guess.. hopefully a youth outing.. andbasically trying to enjoy myself before i start work next wk.. :)
oh yay!! bernie managed to add archives to this new design!! YAY!!! hahahaha.. :)

hmmm.. haven't blogged in a long time.. so many things have been happening.. actually im feeling quite tired.. and sometimes weary.. and i haven't an idea what to do abt so many things.. eeek...
haiz.. think only a few ppl will noe what's been going on.. so.. yup.. don't really feel like writing much today..

ooops.. just read my comments box.. hello mel! okok shall add u now.. hee..

hmmm.. i haven't written in a while.. the last few days have been... tiring.. heh.. had a good time at home today.. in the afternoon practising piano.. lazing around.. oh.. and i had driving in the morning.. heh.. did the s-course, crank course and directional change today.. all these were rather scary.. coz in the test if u even strike the curb it's like 10 points awarded to you.. eek.. and u only need 20 points to fail.. yup.. anyway.. when i was doing my assessment and i got to the directional change part, i mounted the curb.. SIGH.. and the instructor was about to pass me on my assessment.. eek
yeah.. went to the optician in the afternoon.. she asked me to buy refresh to drop in my eye after i wear my contacts each time.. coz i told her my eyes were very dry after taking my contacts off..
hmm.. yeah.. and oh well.. on sat i was quite upset during gb and after gb.. heh.. was telling jotham abt the events that happened during gb and then suddenly i couldn't control anymore and broke down.. :| guess i've just been feeling really frustrated abt everything in gb lately.. yup.. gotta pray hard.. heh..
oh well.. other than that.. i've suddenly been missing my classmates more.. haven't met them in a long time.. besides results.. must meet up soon..
oh well.. i shall stop writing here.. i think the only one who reads this blog anyway is bernie.. hahaha.. and she's in nepal now.. so i shall accumulate many entries for her.. and she'll have many entries to read when she gets back! hahaha

oh might as well elaborate.. heh.. by God's grace and nothing else.. i got 2a's and 1b for my a levels.. and an a1 for gp!! heh.. really didn't expect these kinda results.. yup.. but really really thankful and relieved..
yup.. i was really nervous today.. before i went to collect my results.. and was wondering how i'd do.. so many weird thoughts crossed my mind.. was wondering how my form teacher would give me back my results.. heh.. and i kept praying.. for His grace for me to accept my results.. and the knowledge that God has a wonderful plan for me.. :) yup..
but im so thankful.. and im quite ready to say that i don't deserve these results.. God has really been so merciful and gracious! hee..
oh well.. now for my theory exam.. which is next wk.. hehehe.. better study and prepare hard!! AHHHH!!!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.. Amen

:) im in a very thankful mood today.. :)

okay.. i've kinda "restarted" my blog.. and it's gonna be relatively more private.. heh.. i'll kinda only give my address to a few ppl.. heh.. yupyup! hahaha.. oh well.. anyway im feeling really tired and headach-y now.. so i shall not blog for now.. hmm.. :) byebye!

hmmmm.. im actually thinking of re-doing this blog again..anyone care to help? hahaha.. haven't done something like this in a long long time.. and guess what? so many things have changed since the last time i blogged!! haha.. my results are gonna be out next week.. and my life is gonna change again.. sigh.. wonder what i'll be feeling then.. :| eek.. it is scary.. just today i was talking to mark and wei'en abt it.. and we were talking abt looking towards eternity instead of focusing on our lives on earth and stuff.. results included.. that to me is hard in itself.. and this thing about trusting God.. i learnt so much abt faith today.. in Hebrews 11.. how the people in the OT exercised so much faith.. heh.. really wanna learn from them.. and trusting God for my results IS a good start..

oh well.. anyway.. besides waiting for my a level results.. i've been basically working a little.. well not really considered working la.. giving piano, giving tuition.. learning driving.. going for danielites.. (in fact tmr im going for a retreat that will last till fri).. and after taking my piano theory and driving theory exams, i'm planning to look for work.. for awhile at least.. just to experience.. yupyup.. that's it for now!