i am staring blankly at my computer screen now.. trying to get started on work. have to do my lab reports and tutorial.. oh yes.. and resisting the urge to go on msn. hah.. fasting from it for a week.

just woke up.. today's dispensing test wiped out just about every bit of strength left in me. hmm.. although some of my preps turned out a little weird.. (like my suppositories.. again) im glad i managed to finish everything before five. the washing was another big headache. wool fat.. argh. but it's over! we were all exhausted, yet relieved.

back to work....

As i was playing piano in service today, my gaze fell upon a few youths, fully engaged in worship. Immensely touched by that sight, tears welled up in my eyes. God is working. Truly, He is.

Lord, how majestic You are,
my eyes meet Your gaze and my burden is lifted.
Your Word is a lamp to my feet,
Your hand swift to bless and Your banner a shield.

You are my everything,
You who made earth and sky and sea,
all that You've placed inside of me
calls out Your Name.
To You I bow,
the King who commands my every breath,
the Man who has conquered sin and death,
my Lord and my King,
my everything!

Lord, how resplendent You are,
when I think of Your heavens,
the work of Your fingers
what is man, that You are mindful of him,
yet You've crowned him with glory
and caused him to reign..

The three of us sat in the canteen today, for two whole hours, just talking. oblivious to the people around us.. not really bothering about the time or stuff we had to do. just talked.. about going on a holiday.. possible destinations, ideal scenarios, things to do after the exams, eating dim sum. It was so nice.. there was a nice cool breeze, none of us wanted to move.. just wanted to carry on our conversation and sit there forever. Until 2 o clock.. when reality finally hit.

i realise, i really do need a holiday, or a break at least. i am so tired. really wish someone'd just take me away for a few days.. just to relax.

but, thank you the two of you. those two hours today were the best part of the week for me. i enjoyed just sitting there, being able to speak my mind without the fear of being judged or being chided for saying silly things. enjoyed the fellowship, the nonsense, albeit "digging my own grave" sometimes. haha. and i really thank God for two wonderful sisters like you. :)

heh.. i'm back after a loooooooooong day! had a long day at sch.. and then prayer meeting! church was buzzing with activity in the afternoon cos the j1s came to study.
and prayer meeting was good, as always. :) one thing that struck me.. to have roots and wings.. roots to be rooted strongly in God.. and wings to soar..

realised also.. in school today that every semester, dynamics change so much. i guess there's good and bad to it. in a sense i've learnt to be more independent.. but it's sad, cos the ppl you were once close to aren't as close anymore? oh well.. i guess it only brings me to a realisation that the only constant in our lives is God. and how we really need to depend on Him..

yesterday.. was walking in the eusoff carpark with mich.. we were talking and talking.. and it was windy.. then we saw the leaves falling from the trees like rain.. it was so nice.. like..... autumn in NUS! hahahaha!!

i'm really having the most hilarious conversation on msn now...

i just got home from a major pig-out session with sarah at ikea!! ahhh!!! it started with an innocent craving for spaghetti and meatballs.. (must be the liquorice in lab) and we ended up there.. eating ALOT! took photos of the before and after state of the plates.. when they were full and when they were completely wiped out! ah.. sinful yet satisfying. heh..

while we were on our way out to the bus stop.. we started talking about cravings.. (again) and we were laughing over how next time after we get married.. the men in our lives would be running all over singapore to satisfy our hunger pangs. hahahahahahahahaha.. quite nonsensical we were..

anyway, i need to exercise! cos i learnt during lecture on monday that the fat we consume goes directly to our adipose tissues! haha.. and someone (bleah) commented today that i look chunkier! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

haha.. i've been concentrating so much on my paper the past few days.. now that it's finally done.. i'm feeling abit lost. haha.. much more to be done, but i dunno which to start with! hmm.. maybe i should finish writing my half-written letter first!

well, back to school again and this half term will probably be more hectic than the next.. i feel as if i'm doing six modules sometimes. but ya.. thankfully i've managed to really sit still before God each day. and it's then that i realise how much He's been working in our lives.

trying to keep myself awake while reading articles from this website that'll help me for my philo paper. the topics are quite interesting but im just quite sleepy now.. *yawn* haha.. and our 4 day break just flew past like that. but thank God for it. was rather refreshed, although abit fearful of the hectic next-half-of-the-sem ahead.

the past few days have been busy, though fun. thought-provoking too, as i rethink and evaluate my role in the youth.

was at marche's today with the 85s.. and i did the same thing i always do everytime i go to marche's... pile the plate sky-high with stir-fried vegetables i can buy at the market!!!

pharm law lect was cancelled today as well! managed to get some research done for the paper i'm supposed to write for my diploma exam.. i must say the central library really has good music resource books. the next thing i gotta do is to read them!

back to my philo paper....

walking by faith in a sight-driven generation!

haha yay! i like my new desktop background. dunno if it can be seen though. cos the html aint' appearing.

been terribly mood swingy these days. REALLY terrible.. argh.

anyway the song below.. its lyrics are so meaningful. the two verses that struck me, though, were what hilmay called the "sad" verses. verses 3 and 4.. i dunno. they just struck me. that's how beautiful unconditional love is.

When love is found and hope comes home,
Sing and be glad that two are one.
When love explodes and fills the sky,
Praise God and share our Maker's joy.

When love has flow'red in trust and care,
Build both each day that love may dare
To reach beyond home's warmth and light,
To serve and strive for truth and right.

When love is tried as loved-ones change,
Hold still to hope though all seems strange,
Till ease returns and love grows wise
Through list'ning ears and opened eyes.

When love is torn and trust betrayed,
Pray strength to love, till torments fade,
Till lovers keep no score of wrong
But hear through pain love's Easter song.

Praise God for love, praise God for life,
In age or youth, in calm or strife,
Lift up your hearts let love be fed
Through death and life in broken bread.

"But let all who take refuge in You be glad;
let them ever sing for joy.
Spread Your protection over them,
that those who love Your Name may rejoice in You."
-Psalms 5:11

5 minutes ago, i switched on my tv for the first time in.. at least 10 days? woahs! shows how long i haven't watched tv, and that didn't hit me until the other day when i was in the bus staring blankly at tv mobile. haha. sarah and shiwei are gonna laugh at me, cos i was talking abt watching tv the whole day today. :s

anyway, my biochem test is finally over! all that studying, just for 45 minutes and 25 mcqs! but well, i take it i'm studying for the exams and well, those reactions and pathways are rather interesting anyway. it's just not very easy to link them all up, and once you do, it can get confusing. i find i'm enjoying my modules more this semester than the last two. it's much more applicable to the profession and labs are more like cooking lessons. (until you realise you have lab reports to complete, that is)

yeah. but hectic, my schedule is. so hectic that i'm very physically tired now. desperately in need for a break. very timely, cos as of tomorrow, i'm on ALMOST one week of holiday!

spent my whole evening today sifting through old letters and cards. it started with the search for chew wee and may fern's wedding bulletin. never found it, but instead i found other sorts of buried treasure. heh.. it's nice to sit back once in awhile and reminisce. realised i've lost touch with so many people, especially the mg ones. sigh.. people who meant so much to me in the past, i hardly know what they're doing now. :s i'm really bad at keeping in touch with people. so, if i haven't talked to you in a long time, holler!!

zzzzzzzzz....

sigh. just got home. what a sad day.

i discovered during biochem lecture that my precious blue penguin is lost!! must have dropped from my bag. :( but i'll go hunt for it. hopefully it's somewhere in the house.

had a horrendous experience coming home from school today. there was a thunderstorm. at first it was quite funny, cos sarah and i were screaming and gasping everytime the lightning flashed. then we went in separate direction. i went to the marine parade bus stop to wait for the number 15 bus, which never came!

it wasn't too bad at first, except that i felt like a complete fool, the only person who was covering her ears at the bus stop and whining everytime there was a loud clap of thunder. but as i stood there, the rain just got heavier and the thunder just got louder. so did my stomach. i felt like a little kid facing the big thunder monster alone. haha.. but honestly, i was so scared i felt like crying. oops. :s

ended up boarding the 966 and stopping somewhere further away from home. i ran home, anticipating kfc for dinner, but aaah!! my mum forgot the kfc number. so i ended up eating bread and hotdogs.

well, despite not having a filling dinner, being at home has never felt so comforting before. haha. at least im sheltered from the perils of thunder!

instead of going for the tri-fac bash last night, i found myself bashing through my books! aah! sorry jenxi and all the dance ppl! show me a video of your dance ok!

studied till 1 last night, then i woke up and made my way to piano lesson, feeling very groggy. my piano teacher was quite upset with me today, cos he felt i wasn't being musical and expressive enough. which was true. i was terribly sleepy, not entirely woken up yet. :s and yeah, he set me a task. to go and research on the lives of the three composers and imagine them playing those pieces. (he was terribly appalled that i couldn't remember how brahms looked like!)

yeah, it's true. i need more passion!!! i think my busy life as a pharmer has wiped out some of my passion for music. but that's no excuse, i'll have to work at it! and work at understanding brahms, britten and hadyn better. heh.

on a very different note, im sitting here with the Bible open in front of me. msged mich the wrong verse just now, but hey. this verse really serves as a reminder. it doesn't really link much to the rest of my entry, but somehow it made me pause to think about God for a moment.
You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." - Romans 5: 6-8
wow.

decided to blog while printing my SDL project. i'm so happy it's finally done! one project down, many more to come! haha..not to mention my biochem test next wk!

well, yeah. i've been so busy and tired.. trying to cope with schoolwork and practising my piano more regularly cos my dip exam's coming up after my uni exams! and so many times during the week, i felt so weak and unable to cope. but truly, as written in 2 Corinthians, God's grace is sufficient for me and His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

as i reflected today, i realised that all that busyness and feeling weak has brought me to a realisation that i can't rely on my own strength cos by that, i'd probably burn out soon. and it's only that which made me realise the importance of relying on God. so, maybe feeling weak and helpless ain't so bad after all!!

ok, everyone read this article. i read this today during my lunch break. :s but anyway, too tired to comment now. it's been a crazy week in school.

praise night 2005. definitely a night to remember. many songs were sung, various items presented, everyone enjoyed the time of worship. meanwhile, many thoughts were lingering in my head. it started with the juniors item.. before that i was just scrambling around, trying to keep my scores on the piano. (they were flying all around) besides thinking about how cute the children were, how enthusiastically they were doing their actions, i was drawn to the lyrics of the songs they sang.

"In the morning when i wake, You will hear my voice, O Lord. In the morning when i wake, i prepare a prayer for You. In the morning when i wake, i watch and wait for You."

that's what i want to learn. waiting on God, being still before God when i wake up.

youth item. as i gazed at them singing and dancing while conducting, i was touched. albeit being tickled by the guys during the afternoon rehearsal, watching these youths sing their hearts for God not only warmed my heart, but reminded me that hey.. Christ is coming back for us again. look towards the year of jubilee, where we will be free from the slavery of sin.

"Behold He comes, riding on the clouds, shining like the sun, at the trumpet call. so lift your voice, it's the year of jubilee, out of zion's hill salvation comes."

praise night brought me back to think about the wonder of music. how there is just something about music that seems to connect us so easily to God in worship. God created music, and He must have had a purpose for doing so. and really, thank God for music because it's become so much a part of me. the challenge for us, however, is worshipping God not just with music on sundays, but with our lives every single day of the week! trying to glorify God in the mundane things. and i believe, that's also what God desires of us.

well, i'm tired. it's been a long day. long and good. now, it's time to rest!

this guy was mr pharmacy yesterday, thanks to his t-shirt.

was taking some time to reflect today.. so many times we are easily dissatisfied with our lives, with the situation we're in, with the people we have to interact with, with the things we have to do. (homework, projects, tutorials!!!) but hey.. we fail to realise that everyday is a gift from God. the very fact that we wake up in the morning everyday is something we ought to thank God for and not take for granted. and once u realise that, life takes on a whole new perspective.

downloaded picasa the other night, and started making collages! this one's kinda squarish.. i shall start learning to use adobe photoshop soon. but anyhow, this is one of the nicer ones.
sigh. the past day has been kinda tough. well, back to reading about suppositories. if not, my mould will turn out as disastrous as it did on monday. i guess no one would want to shove varied colour suppositories up their system, would they?

just got back from my grandfather's birthday dinner. it was a really good time, time well-spent catching up with my cousins. we reminisced about the past and my brother's little mishaps with prawn and prawn sauce, watched commando ian finish up the food, talked to my mischievous little cousin about school.. (he was teaching us some new way to do multiplication. although it really seems more difficult to me. :s) and we managed to catch up a little with each other.

i guess over the years, these tri-annual meetings have caused us to treasure the time we have with each other more. seeing them so few times a year makes me feel sad about how i used to take them for granted. now the dinners and bbqs we have mean so much more to me.

the food was overloaded with msg though. gave me a headache!

on the way to the twins' house this morning, my brother dropped me at the normanton park bus stop so i could take a bus from there. as i looked around at my surroundings, a wave of nostalgia swept over me, for this is where i grew up, where i spent the first 15 years of my life. i peered over the fence, staring into the dimly-lit void decks of blocks 4 and 5 as snippets of my life flashed briefly through my mind. the times where we would play hide-and-seek and catching all round the estate, sometimes going as far as kent ridge park, my turtles! i vaguely remember keeping them, and when they got too big for the tank, we'd walk to the park and release them into the pond. and then there was the supermarket, where we could buy all our favourite sweets on credit, the playgrounds and exercise areas, the hairdresser, gift shop. wow..so many other precious memories. normanton was like a kampong in those days.

as i stood there and gazed through the fence, i came to a realisation that so much had changed during the short span of 5 years away from normanton. i, for one, have changed so much. time really flies.. part of me longed to go back to the simple, yet happy childhood i spent at this place. haha.. but yeah, we gotta keep moving and growing. :)

heh, my bro and i at our blk 1 flat!

"A willful child wants only his own way. His will has never been exercised against himself. The strong-willed person wills against himself, chooses that which he does not naturally choose, refuses that which he would naturally choose."

Lord, help me to be strong-willed, not willful.

i am soooooooooooooo exhausted now! just had the most traumatising dispensing practical i had in a long time. and guess what? it's our first for this sem! 8 more to go! ask any pharm group b ppl and they'd agree with me. lab was a madhouse today. and im thinking i REALLY need to prepare for lab nowadays, cos the demands are much greater. it's a good thing though, i guess it'll push me to work harder.

another long day tmr, and many things to be done. but yeah.. was reading 2 Peter 1 today. "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him, who called us by His own glory and goodness. Through these, He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." hey! praise God cos His divine power has provided for our every need, including and especially in living a holy life that pleases God. keeping my eyes on God. that's what i need to do..

Your Summer Ride is a Beetle Convertible

Fun, funky, and a little bit euro. You love your summers to be full of style and sun!

What's Your Summer Ride?

my dog.

today there was this msg going around via sms that there would be a 40% discount on petrol prices during the 4 o clock hour. the moment my dad heard it, he said it was a sure fraud. just now, i went to pump petrol and buy groceries for my mum. to my horror, i found such a long queue of cars at the petrol station, then i remembered the 40% discount myth. took me so long to get into the station itself.

when i finally stepped into ntuc to buy whatever i needed, everyone was cursing and swearing.. lamenting that they got cheated by that particular sms. oh well, let's face it. singaporeans are kiasu.

first day of school.. heh. had a long day! LSM lecture.. peiru and i resolved to listen attentively this sem, and i think we did a pretty good job today, yeah? :) i started to lose focus abit towards the end cos by then, i was quite brain tired. well, our actual lecturer was sick, so this "aunty" lecturer took over. but all in all, i felt quite accomplished and resolved to go home to read up abit more.

well, after that, i followed chen may back to her hall cos she said her friend could give me a lift to buona vista on his lorry! initially, i wanted to ride at the back, but seeing that i kinda had to fight for space with fire extinguishers which weren't really secured to the lorry properly, i decided not to. was quite interesting, seeing what her hall did for rag.. visiting her new room and pebble again! he's grown so big.. so has the cage. heh.

met mich, bryan, jeremy, yin and yiling at ps after that for lunch. and while they went to watch a movie, i shopped! walked around looking out for birthday presents and walked into times bookstore. i picked up this book "what God wants" and started flipping through it. hmmm.. was pretty disturbed after that by what i read in that book. hah. i shall not elaborate. ask me if you wanna know!

"An endless stream of pilgrims
Made their way into Jerusalem,
To offer up the goat, the lamb, and dove.
Atonement for their sin was made,
But only for a season;
And still their empty hearts cried out
For a lasting peace and love.
And then from Bethlehem He came,
Emmanuel was His name;
He knew the world would need a sacrifice.
And a million lambs could never pay the price.

Once and for all,
He walked the road to Calvary,
Carrying the sins of ev'ry man upon His shoulders.
Once and for all,
He conquered death victoriously,
Tearing down the separating wall.
The price was paid in full once and for all.

An endless stream of mercy
Falls like rain from heaven's holy throne,
To everyone who calls upon His grace.
And tho' we all were sinners
He loved beyond our weaknesses;
Though we were unworthy,
He came to suffer in our place.
And as His blood fell to the ground,
Our hope again was found;
No longer are we guilty and oppressed,
For He has thrown our sin as far as east is from west.

Once and for all,
He walked the road to Calvary,
Carrying the sins of every man upon His shoulders.
Once and for all
He conquered death victoriously,
Tearing down the separating wall.
The price was paid in full once and for all."

This song really spoke to me today. As I listened to it in the car, somehow God's mercy and immeasurable love just overwhelmed me. I've been feeling so tired the past few days, thank God this song lifted my spirits abit.

"It was God who made us different, and He did it on purpose. God created male and female, the male to call forth, to lead, initiate and rule, and the female to respond, follow, adapt, submit. Even if we held to a different theory of origin, the physical structure of the female would tell us that woman was made to receive, to bear, to be acted upon, to complement, to nourish." - "Let me be a woman", Elisabeth Elliot.

Actually, I do agree with that. heh. comments, anybody?

"Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt,
Who am I?
That the Bright and Morning Star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart,

Not because of who I am,
But because of what You've done,
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who You are,

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean (ocean),
A vapor in the wind,
Still You hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling,
And You've told me who I am..
I am Yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin,
Would look on me with love,
and watch me rise again,
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me,

Not because of who I am,
But because of what You've done,
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who You are,

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean (ocean),
A vapor in the wind,
Still You hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling,
And You've told me who I am...
I am Yours, I am Yours.

I am Yours,
Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am Yours,
I am Yours."

hmm.. some photos we took the other day. :)

just got back from prayer meeting. it was utterly refreshing, and truly, there's so much to thank God for! i still remember before prayer meeting, was telling some of the aunties in the office that if i didn't have to play, i'd have gone home instead cos i was so tired and zonked from last night's gathering at shiqi's place! (uh, although i think i slept the most out of all of us)

nevertheless, thank God i stayed, because i was truly blessed to see how God is working in our community. zachary and his family went up to share, soo yeong shared from 1 peter, spent some time sharing thanksgiving items with daniel ng.. and got to pray with my mentoring gals. all in all, i'd say i was blessed so much more than i could ever give. thank God for that!

heh.. but i am quite tired now.. wanted to post up some pictures from the og outing the other day.. but too tired.. shall do it another day, maybe tmr! og outing on wed was fun.. haha we went bowling and kite flying. and peiru and i kept encouraging each other by insisting we had to beat junwei's score! (haha....)and we did, in a way. (right peiru?)

haha.. peiru just spent awhile teaching me to do all these:

hmm.. met ms tan today. it was good.. just talking to her and catching up with her. airing my views.. telling her things.. listening to her viewpoint. and she hasn't changed all that much, except that yeah she probably grew older, and more tired. but nonetheless, just as wise as she's always been. :)

what disturbed me though, was what she shared with me abt ms goh.. about how she really doesn't have much time left.. how frail she is now and how the doctors told her to be prepared to go anytime. i ought to go back to mg and visit her soon.. before it's too late. sigh.. that's the thing abt relationships. we don't treasure them till they're taken from us. all i can pray for now is that she'll come to a realisation of how much she needs God and come to accept Him, before it's too late.

my heart is aching now.. and it's aching so badly.

it's been a tiring past few days.. right now, all i wanna do after this is to crash into my bed and sleep! zzzzz... but yeah.. felt the need to blog cos there are really so many things to thank God for.
yesterday night, i just found out that one of the freshmen who's coming to pharm, and who's a guy, is a christian! truly an answer to our prayers! finally, a brother who can reach out to the guys in pharm.
hmm.. also thank God for the sisters whom i have along with me in pharm, namely sarah and shiwei. well, it's gonna be another tough term, where we have to make a clear stand on certain issues, and truly be salt and light in the midst of all the darkness. but thank God for people who're walking alongside and praying alongside, who face the same struggles and fears as me, because we can constantly encourage and uphold each other!
thank God also for the church ppl who're coming to nus! finally i have company! hahaha.. mich, yokes and lucas! more time for prayer and fellowship.. heh.
just these few thanksgiving items alone makes me feel more excited about the new semester ahead. and the sole assurance from romans 8 that NOTHING can separate us from the love of Christ..

hmmm.. some of the photos we took at camp!


heh.. seniors! my crazy friends in pharm :)

camp photo..

my og..for one day!




us! janice, me, huixian and peiru

:)

uh, how come i don't remember taking this?

*phew* im so tired now! it's been an eventful past few days.. alpha intro dinner.. pharm camp and mentoring just now. i've done much, seen much, learnt much. now i just need to rest more! was supposed to go visit debbie and her kids, elliot and faith, but i was coughing so much i decided not to, lest i pass my cough and sore throat to them.

pharm camp was really fun. my only regret is not going for the camp earlier, but my legs and hands broke out in rash, so i decided not to join them at sentosa. well, had lots of fun last night playing twister and got to know a few juniors.. generally i stuck with jenxi's og.. peiru and janice followed that og as well.. we played twister until we got all twisted. :S then walked over to chalet L to check out what was going on there.. there were ppl watching tv in the living room, playing indian poker in the room and having a mini-bash in another room. very happening place indeed.. but i went straight for the leftovers from dinner. janice joined me, and then slowly people started devouring the food. heh..

headed down to changi beach after that, passing by changi village on the way.. and we saw something i didn't really wanna see!! :s i think everyone can generally guess what. well, i scurried past them and headed straight for the pathway leading to the beach. the sky was so clear last night, there were so many stars! spent my time there talking to janice.. well, it was time well spent. :)

slept at abt 430.. i was so tired when i got back to the chalet i just collapsed into my sleeping bag and overslept the next morning.. was supposed to help make milo. heh.. oops! all in all, i had fun getting to know new ppl and spending time with my friends whom i hardly saw during the holidays..:)

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away." -1 Corinthians 13:4-8

wow. such is the measure of God's love. i have a loooooong way to go.

forgiveness, grace... these are the two words i've come to appreciate so much over the past two hours. we as fallible human beings find it so hard to forgive and be gracious.. but what about God? We sin against a holy and perfect God countless times, yet in His loving mercy and by His grace, He forgives us if we are willing to confess our sins. 1 John 1:9

As i struggled and prayed through everything just now, this whole notion of God's grace and mercy just overwhelmed me. I realised how unforgiving and ungracious i was, and as i approached His throne of grace, I was utterly overwhelmed. Jesus, who bore all our sins on the cross 2000 years ago, still stands before the Father and constantly intercedes for us, regardless of the countless times we sin against Him. No one likes people to sin against them, how much more, then, would our Heavenly Father be grieved when men made in His image sin against Him? Yet, He forgives. Amazing....

"No man is greater than his prayer life. The pastor who is not praying is playing; the people who are not praying are straying. The pulpit can be a shop window to display one's talents; the prayer closet allows no showing off.
Poverty-stricken as the church is today in many things, she is most stricken here in the place of prayer. We have many organisers, but few agonisers; many players and payers, few pray-ers; many singers, few clingers; lots of pastors, few wrestlers; many fears, few tears; much fashion, little passion; many interferers, few intercessors; many writers but few fighters. Failing here, we fail everywhere." -Leonard Ravenhill, Why Revival Tarries

Food for thought. Well, bottomline is we need to pray!

Just got back from sri lanka today. Many things on my mind, what I've been fearing may be coming true.. Inside me is a struggle between wanting to find out more and living on the notion that ignorance is bliss. Pray.. God may just turn this whole situation around and bring salvation eventually. That's the hope i'm living on for now.

Not because of who I am, but because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are
- "who am i", casting crowns

time with God is always so refreshing! :)

day by day, and with each passing moment
strength i find to meet my trials here
trusting in my Father's wise bestowment
there's no cause for worry or for fear
He whose heart is kind beyond all measure
gives unto each day what He deems best
lovingly, it's part of pain and pleasure
mingling toil with peace and rest.

God's heart is really kind beyond all measure and our futures rest in His hands.. so trust in Him.

What the future holds, I really do not know
God-willing, I'll walk with you, no matter how far you go........





pray without ceasing - 1 Thessolonians 5:17

just got home from bible trail! the speaker was really good.. spoke on trials and how we should approach trials with joy, prayerfully and with a heart that desires to learn..

besides that, i saw my two cousins, ian and isaac. i rarely meet my extended family on my father's side nowadays. besides reunion dinner and my grandfather's bday, we hardly see each other. and seeing them today made me feel so mixed. happy cos i got to catch up with them abit, sad cos i really miss the times we spent playing together when we were young, and the fellowship we had. now i feel like we barely know each other.. each one of us carrying on with our own lives and only finding out abt each other through our grandparents.. or our bi-annual family gatherings. especially for ian, cos both of us really grew up together.. played together.. did mischievous things together! haha.. we even went to australia together when i was in pri 4! and learning that he'll be going into army soon, and might not even be able to come for my grandfather's bday celebration in september made me feel even worse. sometimes i wish what happened didn't happen at all. then things would be totally different.. but like what the speaker said.. God lets things happen for a reason. to let us grow through these trials. i decided, i will write letters to them tonight to pass them tomorrow! :)

something that struck me was also praying for my family.. all the more even as the end is near. this family is the only family on my dad's side who're entirely christian. all the more as christians in the family do we have to keep praying for God to have mercy on the rest of my family! this is something that's been on my heart.. my lack of perseverance and discipline in praying for my family.. both my mum and dad's side. :s

a very eventful day today was.. from getting lost at woodlands checkpoint to receiving my exam results to going on an interesting church visit to watching madagascar! am i tired!

i set out early in the morning to go to aunty chiow khim's place.. took 966 all the way to woodlands.. it's an expressway bus so it was quite fast.. and then took 911 from the interchange. problem was i took the bus from the wrong berth, so the bus landed up going in the opposite direction, towards the woodlands checkpoint! i was quite dazed and scared when i realised i was lost.. just kept walking through the checkpoint mall.. and along the main road hoping to flag a cab, but there were none in sight. finally i walked till i reached cedric's (my cousin) house.. then i found my way back to the interchange.

along the way to woodlands.. it kinda struck me how selfish i've been in not spending more time talking to my cousins, cheryl and cedric, about God and attempting to bring them to church. in fact, i think i've put in zero effort in talking to them. i dunno how this thought came to mind, perhaps it's cos they live in woodlands too and i just asked them for directions yesterday. it's always been my aunt's greatest wish to see these two come to know God and accept Him one day. my mum had been nagging at my bro and i to make the effort but i don't think either of us have lifted a finger. this very morning, this issue was tugging relentlessly at my heartstrings as i asked God for forgiveness. i felt even more remorse as i thought about how i'd always lifted my unsaved friends and GB girls into God's hands and not even cared a hoot about my cousins. this shall not be the case anymore!

i had a good time talking to aunty chiow khim today. she's been one of those who's impacted my life in a huge way, having been my piano teacher since i was 4 years old. and she's the only person i've known so far who spoken to my dad in such a straightforward manner about accepting Christ. back then, i cringed as i saw my dad shift uncomfortably in his seat. today, i only wish there were more people like her, people who were willing to be bold for God. when i think about that, i feel ashamed that i am not able to be as bold as she is, to come right out and talk to my dad about salvation.

well, we talked about lots of stuff, mostly about teaching music, and church ministry. i mentioned to her my desire to further my studies in music when i graduate and she spoke to me about doing a masters in church music in singapore bible college. when she was telling me about it, i felt it was my dream course. it entails all the aspects of classical music and professional training, and added to that i will have to take bible electives. and it'll really apply especially in regard to music ministry in church. God willing, i'd really want to enrol in that course. well, she did give me a word of caution that was.. i can plan as much as i want now, but if it's not aligned to God's will, i may not get it, so i have to keep praying about this and endure my pharmacy course for now!! 3 more years!

speaking of which, really thank God for my results. they're rather average, but i can safely say i do not deserve the results which i got, for the amount of effort i put in. everything turned out like this cos God has been so gracious to me. phew! 2 sems down.. 6 more to go!

i'm actually too tired and shacked out to write about the church visit and madagascar now. so i'll do that another time! zzzzz....

gonna post a short one just before i meet mark for lunch later. wooohoooo! carrie underwood! but i have to say, the show just now was quite crappy! i spent half of it raising my eyebrows at the tv.

the past few days have been quite eventful. there's been so much to think about. but it's been good, getting time off at home just reading the Word, praying.. spending extended time on the piano.. reading books and stuff. i really needed the break, and did i enjoy it!

well, on sunday, i went for the 100% rehearsal and hmm.. as i listened to the band play, i was dazzled by the music and couldn't help imagining what it would be like on that night itself. of course, what matters most in worship is not the music, but the heart. but as i watched the band members playing and singing their hearts out for God, i was touched. truly, this is what God desires of us.. our hearts fully submitted to Him. not just what we can do for Him.. but far more importantly, people who enthrone Him above all things and live their lives in obedience to Him. 1 Samuel 15:22. okay, i do admit i wanna be there on the 4th of June but josie.. don't start.

after the rehearsal, i had the most memorable karaoke session as far as i can remember, with the mt sinai people. huge room with a dance floor and disco ball.. sadly enough, it was not well utilised. the kids were amazingly cute. and the adults were at times appalled by our choice of song. heh. but it really was a night to remember.

other than that.. something that's been on my mind is furthering my studies in music. just spending extended time away concentrating on music alone. and not just secular music.. but also church music and music in worship. but one thing that i've been thinking about is how i can use this time away and what's gonna come out of it for His glory.. how i can serve Him better through the study of music. and if i can figure that out, i'm definitely going for it.

phew! CSI:SG is over! and to me, the day went pretty well. :) although at the start, i was slightly discouraged.. but as i sat at fort canning and saw groups come in and out.. and as i saw the people having fun.. some quite shack.. i felt happy! esp when i saw some of the quieter gals like tryphena, fransiska and shen faye opening up and mixing around with the others.. it was really heart warming. and thank God the weather was generally quite good and even in the rain, everyone was still having fun. so ends one day of activity.. and boy, am i shacked out.

sat in front of the tv watching formula one just now.. i haven't watched it in a long time, but today's the qualifying rounds for a very interesting race, the monaco grand prix. the circuit is quite different from the rest of the other circuits all round the world in that it's situated around buildings in the city, so there are quite alot of bends to wind around.. and there's this u-turn like bend. no joke. formula one racing ain't easy. you make one small mistake and it costs u seconds.. make a slightly bigger mistake and there goes your vehicle! kinda reminds me how the world works today. you really aren't given much leeway to make mistakes.. :s but it's also times like these that i'm thankful we have a God who is not only impartial, but loving.. such that He sent His son to die on the cross for us so that we may stand before Him righteous and pure. and many times, i have to remind myself not to take this grace for granted.

yesterday.. i read 1 peter about three times through.. and wow! 1 peter is a powerful book.. totally mind-blowing.. and everytime i read it i just felt this renewed sense of awe of how wonderful Christ is.. and also a sense of guilt cos we as His people are called to be holy.. but so often we fail.. but fail, we must, if not we'll never be able to appreciate God's grace!

uh.. okay i think i'm gonna stop here. feeling incoherent and not in the least spontaneous.

uh, my throat is very dry now. a result of prolonged singing and laughing last night. haha.. but it was fun! i was very reluctant to go at first as i was tired and feeling abit sick in the morning, but peiru and junwei managed to persuade me by showing me black faces and saying i broke my promise. sheesh! haha.. but somehow when you don't sing for a long time and then u go back and sing again, it gets very fun! especially when everyone sings together and no one starts creating nonsense scandals.

well.. besides going to chinatown at night, my afternoon was spent at potong pasir again.. conducting workshops on nutrition and common ailments. there was one rather knowledgable guy in my group who kept asking me very difficult-to-answer questions!! and sadly, also two compulsive smokers who kept wanting to go out and smoke. i tried to ask them to cut down bit by bit but they simply said "one day no cigarettes can die ah" and they even asked me to join them! !!!!!!! the people there are rather interesting and being there also stirred the desire in me to pray for them. one thing that touched me quite abit yday was when during the breaktime, this elderly man, whom they call the "old jukebox", was happily crooning "amazing grace" in chinese!

not to forget that after the sessions we had a short time of singing with them, which slowly morphed into karaoke. it started with me on the guitar and them wanting to sing "top of the world" and "peng you" and unfamiliar songs by teresa teng! and when i couldn't fulfil their desire to sing certain songs, the social worker put on a few karaoke vcds and then followed a karaoke session!

well, today's our final day there. i think i'll definitely miss my time spent there with everyone.

been in a reflective mood lately.. and many things have been on my mind. lots to think about after idmc and many issues have come up.
well, idmc has been really enriching.. two days have passed.. one more full day to go! so far everything said has encouraged me and challenged me to dig deeper in the Word, and not just read on a superficial level.
Biblical illiteracy, something that has been more prominent lately, especially among the second or third generation christians.. living in an instant society.. all we want are instant results without taking a step further to think things through. as a result, our very shallow knowledge and understanding of the Word is unable to bring us through times of trial.. or even times when we seek to share the gospel with our loved ones and friends. we don't even know how to extensively defend our faith with backing from the Word nowadays. and that's something so disturbing..


today, i was talking to my mum over lunch and she started complaining about my dad.. about the many things i've heard over and over again.. while my usual response was to shrug off all these complaints and carry on with whatever i was doing, it suddenly struck me and i voiced out my view that above it all, what he did not have while we did.. was God with us.. and as i told her that, my voice broke and at that moment i felt this immense pain of a daughter who sorely wanted her dad to share her faith.. to worship the same God she worshipped.. and throughout the day the feeling just hit me again and again.. at night when we were singing as we worship You and making a difference.. when i read 2 cor 4 again this morning.. i just felt it so strongly but along with that came feelings of helplessness and inadequacy.

argh.. i just drank two glasses of port during dinner.. and now i got a terrible headache!!

decerebrate rigidity the term has been on my mind the whole day.. sheesh. i even dreamt abt it last night! shows how much neuro is getting to me! argh.. but at least one question came out, in the mcq.

argh.. this is so irritating. back in the exam hall this morning i was dying to sleep.. to go home and take a nice long nap.. but now my brain is tired but i can't get to sleep!! :s

hmm.. two papers down.. three more to go. but at least im done with physio.. pharm prac yday was ridiculous, maybe even to the point that it was funny. there was ridiculously not enough time to complete everything.. and the questions asked were ridiculously ridiculous. for lita's part at least. and physio was ok i guess.. except that i made a very big grave mistake. sheesh. but well, i think i tried my best, so will leave everything in God's hands.. was tired, yet relieved when i came out of the room just now.

i think the exams are getting to everyone. i was talking to max just now and told him i was tired but couldn't sleep.. and he sent me a prescription for diazepam. :s *rolls eyes*

anyhow, im glad there were people like peiru and sarah and janice studying with me and talking rubbish with me when we got bored of the books. makes studying for exams more interesting.

the past came back to me today.. not just part of it. everything.
it was..... painful.

by His grace.. it'll never happen again..

heh.. back from church.. just spent the afternoon finishing up my endocrine there.. i'm now in a fasted state, waiting for dinner..

well, can't wait for exams to end and hols to start.. have quite alot of things to do and i plan to start being more intentional with a few people who flashed across my mind today.. :s
this hols shall not be a wasted one!!

happy birthday my dear amandie!!

hmm.. lots to think about.. im in a grouch-ening mood now. particularly cos i always get the scolding. shall not mention what, but yeah. argh..

today was tiring. i dunno how to describe the day without being too obvious. something kinda disturbing which burdened me a little, happened.. and it just struck me that what the other party needed was also God.. and someone to walk alongside him.. the first time i saw him.. something just made me feel it. indescribable. amidst all the indignance about what he did.. we all are human after all.. and struggle with a humongous inflatable balloon called the ego. sigh, what can i do now besides pray? :s pray! haha..

this is bad.. exams are in less than 2 weeks and i haven't been pushing myself hard enough! just had bahasa oral today.. hmm.. think the teacher was quite amused at my dialogue.. cos i was so nervous nothing was coming out of my mouth! and there was this awkward silence............. bleah.
yeah. but thank God i did ok for my recent bahasa test! which upped my morale..

just spent the night watching serial after serial.. from fate twisters to the nkf show.. sigh.. i shall get down to studying after that! for awhile at least. long day tmr.. sending my bro to school.. then going to school.. do qt.. go swimming.. meeting max at biz lib to study and then we have to go for our final ss lecture! ok i need to increase in productivity! from tomorrow till friday! the days shall not be wasted!

haha ok it's time for an update! like finally right bernie? hahahahaha!! well, the last few posts have been penned like when i went thru significant events in my life.. ie. when my dog went missing!! yah! but thank God he's been found!!!

hmmm.. 2 days to being in limbo.. that's when i turn 20.. and i'm neither a teen nor an adult.. sigh.. the big 2.. oh boy.. am i getting old! :( but well.. im glad im spending this birthday with quite alot of ppl.. just met joshua the other day.. and i had to treat him to cafe cartel.. sheesh.. :s but nvm.. i'll get a treat back soon! haha.. then yday was spent with the twins.. although it was to plan for the may 21st event.. yup.. and they kept making me laugh by rubbing their tummies!! hahahaha.. ok.. my humour.. no one can understand..

tonight i'll be having mentoring with my girls! yay! sounds like i have many daughters right? but no! i don't.. haha.. yep.. tmr there's good friday service.. then will be having lunch with the 85 guys.. followed by celebration with my pharm friends.. sat morning will be spent teaching piano, then spending some time with my family.. before meeting the 88 gals for lunch! yay! then going for baptism party.. haha.. quite happening ya. :)

gonna sleep now.. when i wake up i'll spend some time with God..

time to let go.. it's really time..

hmm.. don't really noe what else to say.. but God has been breaking me.. breaking my stubborn and proud nature and just simply humbling me.. it hurts.. i don't deny it.. and i pray i'll get out of this soon!! :s

please come home... i miss you so much....

haiz.. very fed up and frustrated! arghh!!!! just cos u're in a bad mood doesn't mean u can vent it out on me.. i think i've had had enough of this..
yes.. you've been hurt and stuff.. but you didn't have to do all that you did and say all that you said.. argh..

Lord.. please help me to forgive.. cos i do'nt think i have the strength to anymore..

yay! im back after over one month of blogging.. haha after persistent bernie bugged me to blog! :) sigh.. boy.. has this been a busy and eventful month.. i guess my thoughts are jumbled up.. mixed feelings abt lots of things.. :S i feel my life has changed quite abit in a way..

well.. what with the tsunamis and all and thinking thru many issues.. i still maintain that God is good.. and i'm thankful for so many things He has done over the past month :)
school has started.. tutorial registrations are a BIG headache.. i stayed up till 1 am to sign up for a tutorial group and the whole system went down!! argh!!! and when it was up again, all the places got snapped up again.. arghhh!!!!! :s

ok now i have to rush for badminton! i'll update again soon!! argh!! sorry for being so vague bernie.. heeee

oh man.. im leaving tonight!!! gonna miss everyone!!!!!!! :(
but looking forward to spain.. haha..

sigh.. it feels horrible when u're feeling really bad inside but u still have to keep that smile on ur face..

haha.. i just finished the most mentally draining paper of my life.. oh boy.. towards the end i was just thinking "hurry up just let it end" even though i hadn't really finished doing a few parts of a question.. haha.. and now my brain feels like it needs a break.. oh boy.. but thank God He's brought me through.. especially through this paper.. my weakest module.. i was so nervous but during the exam He gave me peace.. despite me not putting in 100%.. as always He's been so gracious.. so whatever result i get for this.. im just gonna thank God.. whether i pass or fail..

sigh.. other than that.. my life has been.. tiring.. emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually.. guess things are not really going well everywhere i go.. and so many things have been stressing me out.. i don't really know when this is gonna end.. but i know if it keeps continuing im gonna suffer from a nervous breakdown.. argh!! i need a break!!

argh.. going mad.. i need a morale boost..
this feeling is the worst i've ever felt in all the exams i've taken!! argh!!!!

haha i just have to blog abt this! just went to east coast park.. alone.. just me, myself and God.. haha.. went there to cycle.. and after awhile.. i sat by the seaside and just looked out into the sea.. besides those ugly looking ships and carriers, the view was pretty good.. especially since the weather in the morning was so good!

there were fluffy white clouds and blue skies.. and the sun! yeah! i just sat there, admiring the scenery and the waves.. and felt really at peace.. haven't felt this way in a long time! i sang songs.. prayed.. and just stared out into the vast ocean.. if only there weren't those ships.. ergh!
after that i went to bedok jetty.. and stared out into the open again.. watched a few planes land, the rays of sun falling on the water.. and saw a few fish in the water too.. sigh.. the view was just breahtaking! haha.. i wanna do this again! and again! and again!

sigh.. so many things have been crossing my mind lately.. and i've been feeling moody too.. maybe that's why i fell sick.. haha but today's trip to east coast really helped!

hahaha.. today was such a fun day.. went for ktv with my pharm friends.. can u believe it? hahahaha.. i sang chinese songs! my goodness.. haha.. anyway after that we went for dinner.. then went to play abit more.. haha.. so fun!! heee.. i think im starting to get closer to pharm ppl.. heeeeeee..

haha.. back after not blogging for sooooooo long.. the past week has been the most hectic so far! : i had two tests on the same day.. physical pharm and physio.. super shiong.. and i had a project and 7 disgusting lab reports to hand in! sigh.. thus, i have been really busy!

anyway wanted to blog abt church today.. service today was really good.. and really refreshing.. lethal combination of uncle lim eng and uncle eng wah.. heh.. uncle lim eng is a really good worship leader.. and uncle eng wah.. needless to say a good speaker.. some things he said really impressed on my heart today.. more than ever.. where he spoke on Psalm 24.. and really brought me back in awe of God.. indeed the earth is the Lord's and everything in it.. and who may climb the mountain of the Lord? He who has clean hands and a pure heart.. after listening to today's sermon, i was even more convicted to be obedient to God.. i know it won't be easy cos the devil will always be whispering negative stuff into my ear.. like recently.. when i thought abt the salvation of my unsaved dad and pharm friends and jc classmates.. i would blame myself for not having the courage to speak up and ask them to church or something.. it's really so difficult to.. but all the more i have to try.. :s by God's grace, i'll be able to muster up some courage soon!

yup.. other than that.. this week i've a rather relaxing week.. no morning lessons at all.. but i've to use my time wisely to study for my test on sat! anatomy.. haha.. sigh.. so many things to remember.. :

oh and guess what? something really horrible happened today.. i was driving my grandparents home.. then i almost drove off with my grandfather halfway into the car! eek!! if my bro didn't start shouting i wouldn't have known.. :s sigh.. so careless of me!!

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out of my window
Dreaming of a could be
And if i end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray (I would pray)
I could breakaway

Chorus:
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around wild indoors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson

hmm.. sth not so funny happened to me on monday.. (although alot of ppl think it's funny) :. i was supposed to go to mozi's house before badminton after school to have dinner.. and so i drove there.. and parked there.. and then i went up.. went to do some work.. after awhile.. i realised my handphone was still in the car.. so i went back to the car to get it. LO AND BEHOLD!! i saw this slip of paper with the police logo on it.. saying i was fined cos i parked along the continuous white line.. argh!! my first instinct was like oh my gosh im so dead.. my dad's gonna murder me.. haiz.. from what i heard the fine was 70 bucks.. eek. i hope they don't give demerit points too..

anyway, when i was leaving at 1o o clock at night.. i was driving down sixth ave.. then the lights turned amber and then red just as i passed the stop line.. hmm.. it's quite a split second kinda thing.. dunno whether there was red-light camera there or not, but i most certainly hope NOT cos that one will really cost me 12 demerit points and a fine of 200.. so im really really really praying.. eek.. drove past that traffic light again today and took a closer look.. most likely there isn't a camera there.. *phew* my dad says our car is gonna be famous soon.. first my bro forgot to slot in the cash card and went past the erp gantry.. then this.. sigh. careless careless..

oh well.. i have to study for a prac test tmr.. and do my tutorial! haha.. have been staying up late the past few nights.. doing my project and talking to my pharmacy friends online.. haha.. yupyup. and yay! newblog skin that looks like fifi.. btw.. fifi is sick.. :( his leg has been giving him so much problem! sigh..

heh.. i'm back after a long time of not blogging.. haha.. as usual. anyway i just came home.. sent the car for servicing after my morning lesson.. then pumped petrol.. spent lots of money on both activities.. yup..

hmmm.. these few days i've been recuperating from the tests last week.. and yeah.. im having menstrual cramps now! oh well.. oh i passed the test which i thought i was gonna fail! haha.. got 24/4o. was at the bottom of the class but i told myself that as long as i pass, i'll be happy! for the other test on sat.. i did okay.. 72/100.. but as usual.. everyone in class did super well.. haha.. the average was like 80+!! haha.. pharmacy ppl are smart and hardworking!! eek! i better work hard too! Oh.. and the top student in pharmacy is quite a strong christian.. from what she writes in the forum.. heee.. praise God!

yeah.. on a more reflective note.. like yiling wrote, i've been thinking abt God's grace too.. and His love for us.. and the past few days.. i've been thinking of how sinful i am.. and how i've really trivialised the hellishness of sin in some things that i do.. how unworthy i am of His grace.. and yeah.. been praying abt it.. i really want to change the way i see sin.. the way i take God's forgiveness for granted.. i must have incurred God's wrath sooooo many times! haha.. i'm sure we all have.. and as i read Psalm 51 yesterday.. yeah.. i realised it was a prayer i wanted to make to God..

Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your unfailing love,
according to Your compassion, blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions and my sin is always before me.
Against You, You only, have I sined and done what is evil in Your sight,
so that You are proved right when You speak and justified when You judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Surely You desire truth in the inner parts, You teach me wisdom in the inmost place.
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones You have crushed rejoice.
Hide Your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from Your presence or take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Then i will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners will turn back to You.
Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of Your
righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips and my mouth will declare Your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart
O God, You will not despise.

heh.. time to update! haven't been online the past few days.. sigh.. this is bad! it's the holidays and before that, i'd resolved to catch up with lectures and study for the THREE tests that i have at the end of the week! but noe what!??!! i've been watching huan zhu ge ge!!! ahhhhhh!! it started with an innocent longing to watch tv.. and no nice programmes on tv to watch.. so i had to turn to vcds.. and well.. vcds ARE addictive.. so.. yeah.. i'll be cheonging like mad, studying tonight! heh..

other than that.. my new car came today! yay! collected it from the workshop.. oh to those who dunno.. my bro and i are sharing a car.. i dunno whether i told all of u or not.. can't remember.. *scratches head* yup.. heee.. so exciting! :)

yup.. have to do my qt tonight and practise my piano!! remind me!!! :)

oh my gosh.. i still feel as if im bobbing up and down in the water! haha.. as u all can guess.. i just got back from canoeing.. heh.. this week's one was more challenging than last week's.. but more fun also.. haha.. last week we did the two-man canoe.. and this week we did the one-man one.. yup.. i've done the two-man one quite alot of times already so i was quite used to it..but whoa.. i've only done the one-man one once in my life.. haha and today was the second one.. and today's canoe was super unstable..

heh.. the course was actually quite fun.. they taught us quite alot of strokes.. brought us around the kallang basin.. which is very large! and scary.. especially when the wind is blowing and the sky is dark.. heh.. that was before lunch.. i was so scared! after lunch.. the sun was up and it was so HOT!! im totally red now.. all the bb boys were laughing at me.. and i have no idea why i became so red..

yupyup.. anyway today.. haha.. we had to do quite alot of capsize.. but the last one was the most fun.. cos they made everyone capsize at the same time! and there was no one on the canoe at all.. so we had to find a way to get back on and empty our canoe.. lots of water.. haha.. it was so fun!! hahahaha.. yup..

oh well.. how was church? missed church.. and the 85 gathering.. mark called and said everyone was there.. including bryan and i guess nick too.. sigh.. missed it.. :( oh well.. there'll be another chance.. i hope.. other than that.. my life's been hectic.. cos of sch.. but guess what?? i have 4 days of holiday next wk!!! nus is so kiam siap.. can't even give us one whole week of hols.. : yup.. so from the 20th to 23rd of september, i'll be free!!! :) at least i hope.. and studying for all the tests after that.. arghhhhhhhhh..

hmmm.. haven't blogged in almost a month! im drowning in school.. that's why.. hahahaha.. yep.. i haven't really had time to log on except to download notes.. print out notes.. go on msn.. check mail.. that's abt it.. heh.. oh well.. and im sick today! since last night i've been sneezing.. sore throat.. headache.. and im still recovering from a bad stomachache.. spent most of my time in the toilet just now.. and the pain was.. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.. crazy.. haha.. yeah..

sigh.. this week has been a sad week so far.. aunty beng choo passed away.. hmm.. though i was never really close to her.. nevertheless, she's been updating so frequently on the church email.. prayer updates and all.. see her around pretty often in church too.. and i've heard so much abt her.. even my pharmacy friends noe her.. cos she used to teach them.. yeah.. and during the funeral, could really see the pain in the eyes of her family members.. thinking of all that just makes me feel so sad.. haiz.. but well, we must thank God that she's free from all the pain.. and in a place that's so much better than here.. yupp..

watching singapore idol now.. so i shall stop here.. today's contestants are not too bad.. heh..

Lord You seem so far away
A million miles or more it feels today
And though I haven't lost my faith
I must confess right now
That it's hard for me to pray
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all that's in my heart

I will sing, I will praise
Even in my darkest hour
Through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing, I will praise
Lift my hands to honour You
Because Your Word is true
I will sing

Lord it's hard for me to see
All the thoughts and plans You have for me
But I will put my trust in You
Knowing that You died to set me free
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all that's in my heart

-I will sing, by Don Moen

hmmm.. ok i shall take bernie's advice and blog.. haha.. i've been busy bidding for my modules the past few days.. wanted to take so many but most of them clashed and those that didn't are very popular.. SIGH.. for instance.. i wanted to try psychology.. but it's super popular.. and there's this module called "understanding emotions during interactive processes" or sth like that.. and it's super popular.. in the end i decided to bid for living with maths or food and health.. yup.. so far everything's been okay.. only thing is that everyone speaks chinese in my faculty.. most people.. haha.. so i've got a language problem! haha.. oh well.. time to practise speaking chinese..

anyway i was on tv today! after the freshmen inauguration ceremony.. i was trying to scoot off as fast as possible to visit yang in hospital.. and then i walked past this reporter whom i thought was talking to the camera man.. little did i know they were actually filming.. haha.. so im on tv! but sheesh.. for the wrong reasons.. :

yupyup.. then when i got home from the hospital, i slept from 3 to 7!! oh man.. i must have been so tired.. and i woke up with a headache.. sigh.. and there's still school tmr.. some talk by a lecturer or sth.. yup.. today's ceremony.. all the deans and masters of hall looked like they just came off the set of harry potter... heh

im thinking of staying in hall next yr.. prince georges park.. the place where they don't bother much abt u.. leave u to do ur own stuff.. no meals provided.. no hall master.. no hall activities.. just me, myself and my laptop! haha.. im gonna pray abt it so pray along with me! :)

hmmm.. it's been a real tiring day.. think i need to learn to love others more.. friends, family and even outsiders.. haiyah.. i wanna watch tv and listen to radio now.. haha.. shall elaborate another time.. :)

haiz.. my dad's poor car.. it's suffered alot under my hands.. hahaha.. let me list the things i did to it since i first started driving.. hmm.. the very night i passed.. i took the car out and knocked into my neighbour's dustbin, almost parked in my living room, gave my bro many heart attacks.. haha.. last week i turned the ignition key the wrong way and the engine gave a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooud screeeeeeeeeeech!! boy.. was my dad pissed.. then today i gave the car it's maiden scratch when i brushed against the wall at a multi-storey carpark today..
 
oh well.. there IS a first time for everything.. i guess me and my mazda got started on the wrong foot.. : anyway my dad's quite resigned to his fate.. so he said he won't repair the car until i've finished scratching it.. (not that im intending to damage it anymore) haha.. but guess who'll have to pay for the repairs.. *scratches head*
 
haha.. but well.. i guess it just means i need more practise.. and i do! and i will! without doing anymore damage to the car i hope.. at least i know my reaction is slow.. turnings too wide.. judgement not too good.. parking practically hopeless.. well well.. lots to improve eh? haha..
other than that.. hmm.. i've been packing my room these days.. it's in a hazardous state though.. cos i've only packed part of it.. yup.. time to get ready for uni..
 

it's so scary.. losing what you have.. and what you treasure.. be it friends.. family.. i dunno.. whatever.. sigh.. dilemma. don't know what to think

i've lost what i used to have.. and i don't want to lose anything more ever again.. :|

heee.. i passed my driving test!!! thank God!! :) was so nervous before that.. and it really looked like there was gonna be a huge thunderstorm.. but God really held back the rain.. in fact throughout my test it wasn't even drizzling.. heh.. Praise God! and my tester wasn't so grumpy after all.. heh.. after the test, i wanted to go up to my "grumpy" instructor to thank him for helping me.. he's the one who taught me the most times out of all the instructors and though at times he was so strict and fierce, he really taught me many things and gave me many tips! yupyup..

other than that.. i guess things have been happening here and there.. been having alot of mixed feelings.. but too tired to blog them down! im so mentally tired but i can't sleep! aaaaaah!! hee.. and i've got to work tmr! oh.. some of the guys came over yday to watch soccer.. eug, nathan, bennett and jon.. the ironic thing was that they stayed up till the match and most of them fell asleep within the first five mins of the match.. hahaha.. my mum commented that they were the most well-behaved bunch who have ever stayed overnight at my house before.. haha..

yup.. next thing to get done is to play for the grade 4 violinist this friday.. go for my medical check up next wk.. and repair my mp3 player!!

these two days have been really eventful.. fun too.. heh.. yesterday after sarah's wedding, went out with jotham and co. haha.. it was marcus' bday.. so we went to suntec to eat.. after that we went to the esplanade.. yup.. to have a drink and listen to oldies music.. my parents were at the oriental hotel so they could fetch me at about 11 plus.. hee.. yup.. jotham and i went out for a walk for awhile.. it was so nice and refreshing.. just staring out into the sea.. i felt abit dizzy.. dunno why.. hahaha.. but i enjoyed just walking around at night.. in a not-so-crowded place.. haha.. and the view! hahahaha.. but anyway.. it was quite an enjoyable night..

today was youth sunday.. and yup.. the youths did a really great job.. and truly, God was glorified.. i felt so happy the youths were serving.. cos it was like we were serving God and also serving the church.. our parents.. our leaders.. everyone in the congregation.. and i do hope everyone was touched in some way or another.. whether youth or parent.. yup.. after that we had family day at west coast.. was quite fun too.. and there was lots of food!

after family day, the fg went to macs to have more food.. thus contributing to the flab in my body.. sigh.. haha.. but it was fun talking to everyone.. and just sitting around.. met peidee and mark and rachie there too.. hmm.. then aunty seok kee and uncle lim eng sent jotham and i back to his house.. they came out to see oscar too.. mozi took him for a walk.. haha.. was quite fun.. yup.. fun..
okok.. actually im quite tired so i shall just stop writing here.. :)
tomorrow im starting work!! ahhH!!

heh.. just came back from driving again.. i've got two more lessons before the actual test.. and i REALLY hope my test route is an easy one.. eek.. the instructor is giving me more and more pressure.. to perform for the test.. he keeps saying i can do it.. just that i have to relax when there are alot of cars around.. blah blah blah.. eek..

anyway.. the past two days were spent in the office doing the bulletin.. heh.. and yeah! we've finished the bulletin! although it didn't turn out as nice as we wanted it to be.. wow.. the effort put in from every single one of the bulletin ppl was tremendous! haha.. yup.. all of you did a great job! :) and i'll remember the times we were complaining.. whining.. singing.. laughing.. hahahaha.. so fun.. :)

yup.. anyway im going back to work in the kindergarten for two weeks.. half day.. cos my colleague went for an operation and has two weeks mc.. yup.. two weeks of more shouting and screaming!

hmmm.. sth's wrong with my contact lenses.. everytime i wear them my left eye gets swollen..

hmmm.. im having lots of mixed feelings again.. haha.. today was a good day.. have been spending time with the people in my mentoring group these few days.. and yup.. today was no different. and i guess just talking and sharing is really good and it encourages me to see everyone growing in one way or another.. :) and i guess that makes me really happy! hee..

yup.. but haiz.. my mp3 player isnt working! have been trying to make it work but to no avail.. :( and i just got an email from someone who is really impt to me.. and i dunno.. i just get the gut feeling that sth's gonna happen.. eek.. scary.. the way things were phrased.. oh no.. :( and yeah.. no.. it's not jotham.. heh..

im back from camp! haha.. well.. it was super fun.. had an enjoyable time.. well.. needed a break anyway.. yup. managed to spend time with ppl.. although i didn't get enough sleep.. :|
hmm.. dunno what else to say but it was fun! hahaha..

anyway after the camp we drove up to malacca in a convoy of 5 cars.. lost each other in a jam.. and met up again after awhile. haha. had a wonderful lunch there and then drove back down to singapore.. by the time we reached home it was about seven plus! eek! so late! haha i was so tired i konked out straight away.

oh well.. that's all for now..

hmmm.. yesterday's driving lesson was quite comic la.. my instructor was this really steady guy.. very relaxed also.. practically sleeping while i was driving and occasionally grunting "turn right, turn left, u-turn".. so everything in the circuit and the road went quite well.. then we got back into the circuit again.. and i was quite pleased.. so i was just sitting back and relaxing when he suddenly tapped on the dashboard.. which means i've to jam brakes.. and i got such a shock i didn't jam on my brakes.. heh.. oh well

well, his reaction was quite funnie.. he said "the last few years in our centre, no one has ever failed on emergency brake.. pls don't break our record" sheeeeeeeesh.. heh.. oh well.. my reaction nowadays is really very slow.. so i'll have to work on that..

anyway.. today's lionel's and melissa's wedding! yup.. so exciting.. the first of the four brothers who is getting married..

haha.. it's been a tiring tiring tiring two weeks for me.. had gb camp which was very tiring.. and been worrying for ppl.. worrying for stuff that's so dear to me.. haiz.. boy im exhausted.. really exhausted.. in all ways..

really need His grace and strength.. aaaaaaaaah...

hmmmm.. im sitting here.. writing this now.. been really busy these few days.. haven't really thought about stuff.. well.. i guess my mood has gotten better.. i guess when im in groups i feel happier.. it's only sometimes when i'm alone that i start feeling it again.. oh well..

i guess i need to remember aunty ruby's words.. pray against bitterness.. and pray against depression.. there were definitely those times when i just sank into depression cos of what was happening.. but truly by God's grace.. He's given me alot of strength.. and desire to salvage the situation.. im sorry if this is sounding vague.. but there's really no way i can say more.. :|

hmmm.. yeah.. just read stuff bernie wrote.. hmm.. bernie!! be strong k? i still remember there were times i didn't feel like taking our dg too.. those years when we were having problems.. i even had thoughts of like handing the dg over to siyan.. but thank God i didn't.. if not i wouldn't have been able to see you wonderful gals thru! press on gal.. keep praying for them no matter how down you feel.. if you need anyone to help you or guide you i will try as much as i can! :)

as for the rest of the group.. im really sorry if i've been neglecting you guys.. esp mozi and grace!! ahhh!! haven't been able to talk to mozi and grace!! okay.. im hoping to spend more time with the three of you during church camp.. bernie, mozi and yiling.. heeee.. yupyup and my two imps amandie and rachie.. haha.. and carol!!

Colossians 3:13-14
" Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. "

today, i understood the true meaning of forgiveness, just have to put it into practise now. well.. i've been through a pretty rough time over the past two days.. hmm.. can't really share much to anyone at this point of time cos the whole situation's very sensitive.. yup.. i just thank God for jotham and aunty ruby.. who've really been supporting me thru everything.. and given me really good advice..

now i really appreciate the grace of God.. and how He can forgive us no matter how wretched we are.. i need to learn true forgiveness.. and that, for me is really difficult. this time, i cannot just say with my mouth that i forgive.. but i must really be convicted in my heart..

i guess i really need to trust God now.. and let Him bear all my burdens..

on a lighter note.. yes.. i went to sentosa with the sec4 gals on wednesday.. it was really fun.. and im as red as a lobster now. :)

To: you

perhaps u'll never see this.. perhaps one day you'll chance upon it.. i hope you will though so you will understand how i feel..

you have been someone i respected since i was young.. someone who taught me how to live.. someone i dearly loved and respected.. just someone really important in my life..

i dunno what got into you.. i dunno how things have turned out this way.. but you need to know how much hurt you've brought to my life.. how many nights i've spent crying.. how restricted i've been just to protect you.. and to protect the rest of us.. you have no idea how much trust i lost in you and how much it hurts.. at this point in time i really have no idea how things are gonna turn out.. and i feel really lost.. becoz of you..

i'm torn between hate and love.. i still love you because of everything you've done the past years..your love for me, your love for all of us.. but i hate you because of what you did. i hate you for causing so much hurt and pain and anger in my life, and in time, others..

help me, God..

arts or pharmacy.. arts or pharmacy.. arts or pharmacy..
at one point i've been more on the "pharmacy" side.. at another.. it's "arts"........
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! HELP!!!!

haiz.. been experiencing many emotions within a short span of a few days.. no wonder i'm so tired.. heh.. in my heart i really wish for many things.. like.. i dunno.. specific direction in my life? hehz
i've felt hurt, angry, excited, disappointed, fear, hope.. so many different kinds of emotions.. fear when i thought i lost 100 bucks during the school fees collection.. excitement when i got accepted into NUS.. indecisiveness when i couldn't and still cannot decide between the two courses which i'm offered.. frustration when i found i couldn't talk to anyone my age.. no one's really interested in giving me advice.. most are just interested in my final decision.. and the worse thing is.. jotham is away on exercise!!! argh!!!
yeah.. i guess it made me think of the lack of this support group or even a close group of friends that i really long to have.. and it made me feel real sad.. i found that there was no one i could talk to.. or actually wanted to talk to.. no one i could confide in especially since he was away.. no one i could share my fears and hopes with.. no one to give me advice on where i should go... haiz.. oh well.. anyway my sec4 girls! i'm not saying i can't share with u, but yeah.. really need some peers or older ones to give me advice on where to go and stuff.. yupyup!
and yeah! i guess i should also thank God for my sec4 gals! heh.. who i'm able to share with.. just not as much recently cos of their exams!
talking abt my mentoring group.. i've been thinking abt splitting them into two.. and doing the same thing that the j2 gals are doing.. cos the group is getting kinda big and it's really hard to us to share deeply in such a biiiiiiiiig group.. still thinking.. and haven't been praying but i should get down to doing so!! yupyup
two weeks left to working in the kindergarten.. these two months have passed by so fast.. i'm really really gonna miss these kids.. though they raise my blood pressure level at times and cause me huge amounts of stress, i'm just gonna miss every single one of them.. of course some more than others.. especially those naughty ones and the ones i've had to pay more attention to..
these few days i'm just taking many photos to remember this phase in my life.. i dunno if i'll ever be back there again.. but i'll really miss this place.. *sigh* hopefully i can come back to relief at least once a year during my years in uni..
hmm.. anyway.. talking abt uni.. haiz.. i got accepted into arts and pharmacy.. and i have to pick one.. really have to thank God.. but now i really dunno which course i should take.. should i go straight and study arts, or should i go do pharmacy first? guess in pharmacy there are lots of job prospects.. but is that what i really want to do? i dunno.. someone tell me!!!! i have to send in the reply soon!!
today i tried asking a few ppl.. and i dunno if i came across as like "bragging" to them that i got into uni.. cos they never really replied me.. but hey.. i really really need some advice!! aaaaaaaaaah!!

argh.. super pissed.
pissed off with everybody.
period. that's all i'm gonna say.

haha.. haven't blogged in a looooooooong time.. oh well.. i don't blog much nowadays.. :| watching the new chinese show now.. with the jeanette aw and tay ping hui.. haha.. i prefer jeanette aw in holland v though.. the blur kind.. in this show i don't find her that good.. heh
ok.. let's list down stuff that's been happening to me lately.. i managed to book my final theory test on 11th may.. so while all of u out there are having ur exams, i'll be sitting for my FTT too!! haha.. yup.. will have to study for it this time.. during the trial test i didn't noe how to do so many.. eek
hmm.. other than that.. yeah.. been hearing alot of things abt some of the kids at the kindergarten.. abt their parents and the problems they face.. there are even two of them whose parents got involved in a "manslaughter" case kinda thing.. so scary.. must be really tough on the two children.. their mum will come to see them during sch hours only.. and their dad's in jail.. so sad..
and yday there was the nicoll highway incident.. and yday night i heard someone committed suicide at the block opposite my workplace.. so sad.. and knowing that someone jumped just the night before nearby, i also felt a little uneasy.. i dunno. it's just the creeps.. heh..
oh well.. i guess all these really reminds me abt my testimony as a christian.. abt being the salt and light of the world.. i think i haven't been an outstanding testimony at work.. hmm.. i don't do anything wrong or what.. but i have had so many opportunities to share with my colleages, but i just don't have the courage to speak out for Jesus. there were times we shared abt religion.. abt terrorists.. on quite a few different occasions, but so far i've just been listening to their views.. sigh.. i need the courage!!! aaaaaaah!!
heh.. so much for that..
well.. another thing is that i've been rushing from place to place the past few weeks.. i find that i don't have much time to myself.. and when i do, i spend it sleeping.. haha.. like a pig.. oh no. .is this what my future working life is gonna be like? i sure hope not..

hmmm.. im starting to realise that i blog abt an average of once a week.. cos ahhhh!! lack of timee.. haha.. oh well.. anyway this wk was a short week.. most of my classes were in the morning though in the afternoons i still spent my time running after squeamish children.. ;) but i guess i really find my love for the kids growing.. yupyup! and though some are REALLY irritating at times.. well, when i think back and i think of these kids, it just brings a smile to my face.. heh
haha.. besides that.. today i mustered up courage to ask my dad to the good friday service tmr.. and noe what? he told me he had to cut his hair!!argh!!!! then i told him that cutting his hair wouldn't even take much of his time and he could do it after the service and he didn't answer.. :| haiz.. oh well
othen than that.. most issues i've been facing have been getting better or chapters of my life have been closed.. haha.. thats' abt it! im so tired i wanna zzzzzzzzzzzzzz NOW!! bryan's coming to stay over btw.. heh.. cos he's following us to church tmr.. hahaha.. so i'll have to sleep in my own room tonight.. sigh!!

anyway.. oh! did i mention that i slept at 820 on friday and woke up the next day? haha.. amazing.. im quite amazed at my.. abilities.. :)

hmmm.. haven't blogged in a long while.. nowadays i hardly have time to come online, let alone blog.. anyway as im blogging now, i'm watching the new chinese show.. heh.. quite okay i guess.. so far! haha
yup.. lots of things have been happening.. some have left me tired, some hurt, some happy, some sad, some excited.. hahaha.. so many different emotions.. all in one week!
yeah.. i shall just mention some of the happy stuff! haha.. like drill com! yeah!! 54th, 17th and 46th coy got a gold!! ahhhhhh!! so happy for the girls! hehehe.. :> anyway i was so proud of them when i saw them marching! haha
hmm.. some of the sad things were the inability to catch up with the '85 army guys and my classmates.. didn't even get a chance to meet up last wk.. except for that short 1 hour at mark's house.. i just went there to say byebye to him.. haha.. hope he's fine in there..
anyway most of the guys have gotten their postings.. yup.. managed to talk abit to josh yday.. haven't spoken to him in a long time cos i was abit pissed at him.. but oh well.. i shall not go into details.. :| work has been normal.. tiring hahahaha..
oh well.. yup.. that's all for now.. *distracted and looking at the television*